A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, ""What are all those clocks?"" St. Peter answered, ""Those are Lie- Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie- Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."" ""Oh,"" said the man, ""whose clock is that?"" ""That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."" ""Incredible,"" said the man. ""That's Abraham Lincoln…

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Topical Jokes (5/27) Hello again, /r/jokes! Lend me your eyes! It's time to recap the day's jokes so we can all enjoy some idiocy. Starting off with some entertainment news. ""Fast and Furious 6"" opened up the box office gross with over $99 million. Most of the revenue was generated through Vin Diesel having to watch the movie 60 million times before comprehending the plot beyond his prior understanding of just ""Car go fast vroom"". This is always interesting. A fragment of the Dead Sea Scroll…

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Obama Jokes The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25 to life would be appropriate. --Jay Leno America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. --Jay Leno Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. --Conan O'Brien Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser. --Jay Leno Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penite…

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Election 2012 Joke if (You.support(Romney)) { ""One of the idiot reporters on CNBC asks a banker if he is worried about the legal ramifications if Obama wins a second term. The banker laughs it off, because a large chunk of Obama's campaign contributions is from the bankers, so they have nothing to worry about."" } else if (You.support(Obama)) { ""One of the idiot reporters on CNBC asks a banker if he is worried about the legal ramifications if Romney wins. The banker laughs it off, because a la…

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You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start. The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate. --Jay Leno America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. --Jay Leno Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. --Conan O'Brien Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser. --Jay Leno Q: What's the differ…

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The old Priest In Washington, DC, an old Priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his Nurse to come near. β€œYes, Father?" said the Nurse. "I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die," whispered the Priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the Nurse. The Nurse had the request sent to the President and Congress and all waited for a re…

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A man died and went to heaven.. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "That's Abraham Lincoln's cl…

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Bill and the Genie Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama's new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter. He climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught. He knew Michele would go absolutely ballistic. Then he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant yo…

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