#jay-leno

Happy birthday to Jay Leno. Born April 28, 1950. Dies nightly at 11:35 eastern, 10:35 central.

I give it two weeks before Jay Leno starts tweeting from the new @ConanOBrienTwitter account.

""I work with computers."" ""Do you know a lot about computers?"" ""I know they're heavy."" (forgot the comics name, he was on Jay Leno long ago)

What advice does Jay Leno receive when sad? Chin up pal.

Two hunters and a hole Two guys are hunting, one guy says ""Whoa, big hole. How deep is that?"" Other guy says ""Let's throw something in the hole and see."" They see a rusty old anvil and drag it to the hole, throw it in and hear no sound of it hitting the bottom. Suddenly they hear something galloping and a goat is coming at them at a blistering speed, almost knocking them down as it flies past the two and dives into the hole. ""Becky? Becky!!"" Yells a farmer running toward them. He stops nea…

joke is on you What's the opposite of funny? answer: Jay Leno

Thought I'd try writing bad monologue jokes today. Like Jay Leno bad. Russia says it will begin patrolling with nuclear submarines again for the first time in 20 years. Nuclear subs that are 20 years old? I didn't know Russia had Subway. In Texas, a husband and wife are blaming one another for sending ricin-laced letters to public officials. As the saying goes, ""In sickness and in SHE DID IT!"" Mass anti-government protests continued in Turkey over the weekend. The last time there was this much…

Obama Jokes The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25 to life would be appropriate. --Jay Leno America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. --Jay Leno Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. --Conan O'Brien Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser. --Jay Leno Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penite…

""Vermont Senator James Jeffords is being called a hero today after he chased down a teenager who stole a wallet from his daughter-in-law on Capitol Hill. How fat are our kids getting when they're being run down by 68-year-old senators. ... At one point Jeffords yelled out 'Stop thief' and two hundred congressmen froze."" - Jay Leno ""Some scholars have argued [that] the Constitution clearly states only Congress can declare war, and they are not allowed to simply delegate that authority to the p…

You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start. The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate. --Jay Leno America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. --Jay Leno Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. --Conan O'Brien Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser. --Jay Leno Q: What's the differ…

""Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern."" - Craig Kilborn ""In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts."" - Jay Leno ""In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair,…

""The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double even triple. You're gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man."" - Jay Leno

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers or are a teenager you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: - Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. - No matter what you do for them it is not enough. Indeed all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. - You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being and it can be safely said that no teen…

I Forget the Name Two elderly men are conversing and drinking wine while their wives prepare dinner in the kitchen. As the discussion begins to dwindle, Tom and Norman decide to delve into their limited pop culture knowledge. "Well now, Tom," says Norman, "me and Carolyn tuned into one of those nightly talk shows the other day. Boy, was it a hoot! But I can't seem to remember for the life of me what it was called." 'Here, describe it to me. Lets see if I can help," offers Tom. "Well, he was…

Just thought this one up: What do Jay Leno and Payton Manning have in common? They both know when it's time to turn things over.

A son in his late twenties was still living with his parents, who worried that he seemed unable to decide on a profession. Even they were unsure what path he should follow, so in the hope of providing some career guidance, they set up a secret test. They took a $10 bill, a Bible and a bottle of whisky and put them together on the hallway table. The couple then hid from view in the nearby closet. The father explained to his wife: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman; if he takes …

While tending the hand wound of an old Texas rancher, a doctor struck up conversation with him and pretty soon the topic turned to Sarah Palin and her bid to become Vice-President of the United States. The old rancher said: "Palin is what I call a post turtle." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. The rancher said: "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle." The doctor …

How do we know that Hitler was a lousy golfer? Because he never did get out of the bunker. According to a new book about Adolf Hitler, he suffered from chronic gas. Apparently he had chronic gas so often that he would constantly leave a room if he had a problem. You know Hitler: he didn't want to offend anyone. Jay Leno A German arrived at London's Heathrow Airport. The customs officer said to him: "Name?" "Kurt Schnellinger." "Occupation?" "No. Just visiting."

Why did audiences scream so loudly at Beatles concerts? It was the shock of seeing four Scousers working. Seventy per cent of all people who die in England are cremated, which goes to show that the only thing English people know how to cook is other English people. Jay Leno

A millionaire was driving along in his stretch limo when he saw a humble man eating grass by the roadside. Ordering his chauffeur to stop, he wound down the window and called to the man: "Why are you eating grass?" "Because, sir," he replied, "we don't have enough money for proper food." "Come with me, then," said the millionaire. "But sir, I have a wife and seven children." "That's okay. Bring them all along." The man and his family climbed gratefully into the limo. "Sir, you are too kind. How …

A city guy moved to the country and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when he drove up in his truck, he had some bad news. "Sorry," he said. "The donkey has died." "Well, then just give me my money back." "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." "Okay then, just unload the donkey." "What you gonna do with him?" asked the farmer. "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" "Sure I can," insisted the city…

What's the difference between men and boys? The price of their toys. Some women say they can tell how good a man is in bed by watching him eat dinner. If he eats quickly and takes large bites, he's probably pretty boring. If he picks at his food like he's a bird, he's probably not very passionate. And if he eats in his underwear over the sink while watching TV, he's probably your husband. Jay Leno

Two old guys, aged eighty and eighty-seven, were sitting on their favourite park bench one morning. The eighty-seven-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The eighty-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The eighty-seven-year-old said: "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It's a well-known fact that it keeps your energy level high, and that it will give you great stamina with the ladies." So on the way hom…

On a visit to the health centre, a man saw his neighbour looking extremely worried. "You look really gloomy," he said. "What's the matter?" "I've got the big C." "What, cancer?" "No, dyslexia." Apparently over-thinking or worrying about things may actually keep your brain healthier. You know what that means? If you're not a worrier, you should be worried about that. Jay Leno

A woman was going round the neighbourhood door-to-door, trying to make homeowners aware of the threat from climate change. At one house, she said to the man who answered the door: "Do you have any idea of the size of your carbon footprint?" "I don't have a carbon footprint," he answered. "I drive everywhere." Al Gore says that global warming is more serious than terrorism. Unless the terrorist is on your plane, when that extra half a degree doesn't bother you so much. Jay Leno