#australia

Noise in the monastary There was a little boy who lived in a far away land. Close to the boy's home, there was a tall mountain, always covered in snow at the top. Also at the top of the mountain, there was an ancient monastery where ancient monks lived. Sometimes, the little boy, as he was riding his tricycle around his yard, would look up at the monastery on the tall mountain and wonder what it was like up there. One day, when the wind was blowing down off the mountain, the air turned quite col…

BBC announcement From the BBC - Read by John Cleese. ANNOUNCEMENT The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from ""Miffed"" to ""Peeved."" Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to ""Irritated"" or even ""A Bit Cross."" The English have not been ""A Bit Cross"" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from ""Tiresome"" to ""A Bloody Nuisance."" The la…

An American, an Aussie and a Kiwi are in a bar... ... they sit at the bar and order whiskey. The American picks up his glass, downs the shot of whiskey and throws the glass into the fireplace. ""In America, we got so many glasses, we don't drink out of the same one twice!"" The Kiwi nods, downs his drink throws it up into the air and shoots it with his six-shooter. ""Same in New Zealand. So many glasses, we don't dare drink out of the same one twice."" The Australian looks at them both, downs hi…

Death Notice An old man and his wife had just moved to Australia when the wife passed away after a stroke. While talking to the neighbour about her passing, it was mentioned that in their new country, it is common to announce deaths with a classified ad in that section of the newspaper. Well, the old man decides that's a great idea and heads back home to dial the newspaper. ""Hi there, I'd like to place a death notice."" ""OK then. Firstly, sorry for your loss. Now what would you like it to say?…

Cricket Australia. Sponsored by Immodium. Stopping you from getting the runs.

I'm so terrible at Chess. The only way I'll ever get to say ""Checkmate"" is if I eat at a restaurant in Australia.

First Olympic sailing result just in. GB have taken gold, Australia have taken silver and Somalia have taken the boat

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, ""You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."" The cowboy replies, ""Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that w…

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes. 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name …

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, ""Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our…

Baptist Cowboy A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, ""You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."" The cowboy replies, ""Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left hom…

Who was that on the phone Fred? Fred: No one important. Just some man who said it was long distance from Australia so I told him I knew that already and put the phone down !

Teacher: Fred can you find me Australia on the map please ? Pupil: There it is Teacher: Now Louise who discovered Australia ? Pupil: Fred did !

An old lady walked in to the post office to buy stamps and as she was short-sighted the clerk offered to stick the stamps on for her. `Wait a minute' he said `you've written the address upside down.' `I know' said the little old lady `the letter is going to Australia.'

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says ""Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large"". Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says "" We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows"". The conversation has meanwhile almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping t…

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in. After a week or two his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life. 'I'm fine ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long another lies on her floor moaning and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.' 'Well ma laddie' says …

What do you call a nutty dog in Australia ? A dingo-ling !

Q: Why is a blonde like Australia? A: They're both down under and no one cares.

Three cowboys of the world are sitting around camp talking about how tough they were and the tales kept getting bigger and bigger. The cowboy from Australia says ""I wrestled a 200 pound crocodile and may it cry like a baby."" The Cowboy from Brazil shakes his head and says ""I killed a 400 pound steer with my bare hands."" The Cowboy from Texas just smiled and kept stirring the campfire with his leg.

Teacher: What's this a picture of ? Class: Don't know Miss. Teacher: It's a kangaroo. Class: What's a kangaroo miss ? Teacher: A kangaroo is a native of Australia. Smallest boy: Wow my sister's married one of them

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo ? Big holes all over Australia !

Meta: Reverse Punchline Challenge Hey /r/Jokes, I thought it might be interesting to see just how good we are at actually making jokes from unfunny situations. As such, I thought a good challenge might be to provide a few randomly thought up punchlines that *you* the subreddit construct the lead-up/joke to. Highest rated comment would be the funniest obviously. With no further ado: 1. "That's not a champagne flute!" 2. "I don't know, but lord knows my wife does." 3. "Three cats, two birds, a…

An Irishman walks into a bar... An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from the next, until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "You know, they'd be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time." The man says, "Yeah, I know, but I have two brothers, one in the States, one in Australia. When we all went our separate ways, we promised each other that we'd drink this way in …

For the Australians out there! Tony was at school this morning when the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out: Policeman, Fireman, Salesman, etc. But Tony was being uncharacteristically quiet and so teacher asked him about his father. 'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep…

Terrorism is a serious issue The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warni…