#australia

A Irishman walks into a bar and orders three beers The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone. The next week He then orders three more and the bartender says, ""Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."" The man says, ""You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the America. We made a vow to each other t…

A fruit probably wouldn't travel to Australia But a veggie might

Happy New year America! from your friend Australia. Don't worry I expect it'll take about 18 or so hours for you to get this.

We have little Johnny in Australia too. Little Johnny walks into the bathroom just as his mother is getting out of the bath. He points at her nether region and asks ""mummy, what's that?"" She thinks quickly and replies ""that's where god hit me with his little golden axe."" Little Johnny replies ""geez, he got you right in the c**t didn't he""

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, ""You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."" The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left h…

The Commonwealth is like a family party... There's the UK, the old Grandma sat down in her chair the whole time, letting her children get on with their lives, no matter how bad it gets. Some adore her, but some don't like what she did when they were young. Then there's Australia, the drunk Uncle in a Hawaiian shirt, but everyone respects him really. Canada's there as well, the smartly dressed man who has never done anything wrong, most people joke about him, but respects him. There's India as we…

An Australian is taking a walk in New Zealand... when he looks into the field beside the path and sees a Kiwi farmer having his way with a sheep. He is a little shocked, so he walks over and tells the farmer ""You know mate, in Australia we shear sheep."" The Kiwi farmer looks up at him and exclaims ""Not here in New Zeelund bro, I ain't shearing! Bloody get your own sheep!""

TIL In Australia 'boo' means to return Because when you throw a normal merengue it doesn't come back

Who is the most famous DJ in Australia? DJ Redo

To all the ""I'm moving to Canada"" people out there, you're being ridiculous. You won't be far enough to escape the nuclear fallout. Shoot for New Zealand or Australia.

The Three Stooges are spending the night in a haunted house... and get up to their usual eye-poking, nyuk-nyuking, slapstick shenanigans. In the middle of the pie fight, a poltergeist appears. Curly throws a cream pie and it turns around in midair and smacks him right in the face! He turns to Moe and says, ""Hey, I think that ghost must have been from Australia."" ""Oh yeah, why?"" ""Because it just threw a Boo-Meringue at me!""

A truckie was driving across the Nullabor.... ..when he saw another truck coming in the distance. The CB crackled and a voice said, ""G'day Mate, who are the two biggest wankers in all of Australia?"" ""Dunno, who?"" said the first truck driver. ""You and your brother!"" said the other guy. The first truckie was not happy to hear this, but the other bloke said, ""It's just a joke mate, tell it to the next truck you pass."" So the first truckie drives along for a while, then he sees another truck…

Kid: But dad I don't want to go to Australia. Dad: Shut and keep digging

I learnt that Mel Gibson was born in Australia Well I guess you could say he was from... -puts on glasses- MELBOURNE

Saskatoon, Saskatchewan So these two guys from Saskatoon decide to escape the cold weather in winter and take a vacation. They go to Australia. Sitting in a bar down under, still wearing their touques and flannels they draw the attention of Aussies, so one gets up and approaches them. ""G'DAY mates, where you blokes from?"" ""Saskatoon, Saskatchewan"" one of them answers. ""Oh, alright. "" replies the Aussie as he returns to his table. ""So where are they from mate?"" His friend asks. ""Don't kn…

A lady is bargaining for a honeymoon package abroad.. Says the agent: ""Check it out maam. 3 nights and 4 days in a cruise to Bahamas, all night party and casino environment with free booze. Just $2000 per couple. Hell of a deal."" The lady: ""Umm. Nice one. But do you have anything cheaper?"" The agent: ""Sure maam. 4 nights and 5 days in Australia. Sea surfing, para gliding, 5 star hotel stay and kangaroo ride as well. Just $1500 per couple. Hell of a deal."" The lady: ""Wow. But still.. do ha…

A British man once wished to visit Australia A Englishman from London decided he needed a vacation, and chose Sydney, Australia, but soon realized that he could never afford such a trip. So, he finally came to the decision to stop buying tea, and use all the money he saved from not buying tea to fund his new dream. After a couple years, he had accumulated plenty and took 2 weeks off work to take his trip over the Summer. As his plane was flying over the Australian outback, about 2 hours out from…

Two lion cubs were born. They were brothers. While they will still very young, one lion was sent to a zoo in Australia and one was sent to a zoo in Italy. Years later, the brothers meet again and discuss their lives. The Australian brother says: ""These guys've been good to me, mate. I've been really happy and I'm the star attraction of my zoo. I don't think any lion has it better than me!"" The Italian brother says: ""That's-a nothing! I get every single-a thing that-a you could ask for! Meat, …

A big earthquake hits the Middle East.. A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 strikes the Middle East, Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured, Iraq, Syria, and even parts of Iran are completely in rubble and don't know where to start with the rebuilding process. Also in shock, the rest of the world begins sending relief and supplies, Britain is sending in troops to keep the peace, Saudi Arabia, not as impacted, is sending oil and monetary assistance, Latin American countries …

A Canadian couple goes on vacation to Australia They decide they want to see the real Outback, so they hire a car and head out to explore, and find their way to a tiny little Outback town. After arriving and getting a hotel, they find the local pub, walk in and have a seat. A local bloke comes over to strike up a conversation, and asks, ""We don't get many out-of-towners, here, where are you folks from?"" ""Saskatoon, Sasketchewan,"" the husband replies, smiling. The bloke nods and walks back ov…

Australia I told my girlfriend I've been to Australia... I kissed her sting ray down unda'

UN Survey Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:- ""Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"" The survey was a huge failure because of the following: 1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what ""honest"" meant. 2. In Western Europe they didn't know what ""shortage"" meant. 3. In Africa they didn't know what ""food"" meant. 4. In China they didn't know what ""opinion"" meant. 5. In the M…

Brazil sent a mascot kangaroo to Australia's Olympic village so they would feel more at home Australia was so glad that they promised that when Brazil visits them they will include a drug-dealer in theirs. Just so they feel more at home!

What did one cracker say to the other? ""Let's conquer the Americas, Africa, Australia, and Asia.""

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decided to take a vacation to Australia. None of them made it back alive. The redhead hopped off the plane and headed straight for the beach. She was eaten by a shark shortly thereafter. The brunette was tired after her long flight, so she headed straight for her hotel to take a nap. After her nap, she got up to head to the opera, but a spider had slipped into her shoes and when she tried to put them on she was bitten and died. The blonde was found drowned in …