#australia

A guy from Texas came to Australia to visit his friend. His Australian friend showed him his fields of rye. The guy just scoffed and said: "We have bigger fields of wheat back in Texas." Then his friend showed him his herd of cows. Again, guy just scoffed and said: "We have bigger herd of sheep back in Texas." Then suddenly, a kangaroo hopped out of nowhere. The guy from Texas took a picture of it and asked: "What is that?" "That is a kangaroo." "Huh." "So what, you have bigger grasshopper…

I was watching Australian Master Chef last night. Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered. I thought… That's odd, normally in Australia they boo meringue.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left ho…

400 years ago, England sent their criminals to Australia and puritans to America Sounds like Australia got the better deal

Why wasn’t Jesus born in modern day Australia? Because God wouldn’t be able to find find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Brothers An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we…

My dad called me yesterday to say that he's returning from his trip to Australia. The boomer rang

Crocodile. A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting. Then at the height of the party, the millionaire said, "I have a 15 foot man-eating crocodile in my pool, and I’ll give…

Did you hear that the next season of Stranger Things will be shot in Australia? The kids have to defeat a monster from the Right Way Up.

As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn’t* there anything trying to kill me… “School” I tell them.

My grandpa survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings. Being in Australia helped.

Stranded on an island Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. ​ Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, ​ “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. “ ​ “Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescu…

When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record… Confused, I replied, “Oh, is that still required?”

It had to be Australia A gecko lizard is walking through the Australian bush, heading toward the river for a drink. On his walk he comes across a koala sitting in a gum tree, smoking a joint and stops for a chat. "Gidday, mate. What are you doing?" The koala replies, "Smoking a joint, come up and join me. It's bloody good gear!" So the gecko climbs up and sits next to the koala and they share a joint. After a while the gecko says his mouth is now very dry and that he's going to get a drink …

It's so cold here in Australia I saw a group of politicians with their hands in their own pockets!

Gordon Ramsay goes to Australia and whips up a lemon meringue pie. The whole audience cheers! “That's strange," he says. “I thought Australians usually boo meringue."

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you... "School" is my answer.

What do you call a female thief in Australia? A Steala

Which prison has the best food? Australia.

What do you call a prison full of kangaroos? Australia

How do they say “Happy New Years” in Australia? sɹɐǝ⅄ ʍǝN ʎddɐH

The new IT guy at my company is from Australia. He comes from a LAN down under.

A British man is visiting Australia for vacation. The passport lady at Australian customs asks him

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly

Paddies vs. Aussies So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home