#bobs

Jewish Elderly Couple On Vacation Bob and Sheila, and elderly Jewish couple were on their way to the Bahamas on vacation when, while at 36,000 ft they hear a large bang, then the plane loses a couple hundred feet. ""What the hell was that?!"" Sheila asks Bob. ""I dont know, feels like we hit something"", he replies. Then, a minute later, the captain comes on the monitor. ""Attention everyone, I am sure you felt the bump a minute ago. We had an engine failure, causing damage to the wing and are n…

Joe went over to his buddy Bob's house to hang-out and watch football ... As they were sitting in the living room, Bob's dog walked into the room, laid down on the floor, and began to lick its nuts. Joe looked down at the dog and said ""Man, I wish I could do that."" To which Bob replied, ""Don't you think you ought to at least pet him first.""

Two couples go camping in the woods... Bob and Peter decide to take their wives on a camping trip. When they get to the campsite, Bob says, ""Hey Peter, since your wife has never been camping before, why don't I teach her how to set up camp while you take my wife to get firewood."" Peter agrees and he and Bob's wife go out into the forest to get firewood. Bob gets Peter's wife started on setting up the tents and decides to get some water for the campsite. While Peter's wife sets up the tents a s…

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted …

Monday: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. Tuesday: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper. Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any. T…

eer booze and fun!' 'A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful. ""Whoa Sam!"" said the bartender. ""Who gave those beauties to you?"" ""Nobody gave them to me"" said Sam. ""I had to fight like crazy for both of them.""

Two hunters bag a deer... Dave starts butchering, and Bob says he'll be right back after he takes a dump. He walks into the trees, and hangs his butt over a log. About twenty minutes later, Dave realizes Bob is napping on his crapper, and decides to play a joke. He slips around his friend, and dumps some bloody deer intestines under Bob's ass. The he goes back to butchering, and hollers for Bob to hurry it up. He hears Bob getting up, and then "Holy hell!" Dave chuckles and expects Bob show u…

Caught in the blizzard [An old one but a good one] Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will *talk* i…

It is Bob's anniversary It's Bob's 15th anniversary and he forgot. When he came home from work he didn't notice his wife was all made up with make up and a pretty dress. Bob asked his wife what was for dinner but she kept hinting that they should have a date night but Bob getting from work was tired so he made a sandwich and then took a nap. When Bob woke up, his wife was standing over him with a furious look on her face before she screamed "YOU FORGOT OUR ANNIVERSARY" Bob realized he just s…

Bob knows a lot of people Bob's a factory worker, and one day, the boss is showing a bunch of Japanese investors around the factory. One of them sees Bob, and they promptly exchange handshakes and start talking like long lost friends. Afterwards, Bobs boss asks him what that was about. Bob just replies 'oh, I know him from a few years back, I actually know a lot of important people.' His boss is sceptic, but Bob replies: 'Tell you what, name anyone you can think off, I bet you that they know…

Bob's Nails. Bob made metal nails for all need and uses. For woodworking or construction, his nails where the best and he wanted to make a TV commercial to promote them. So he went to a studio to get his commercial made. There he gave an idea of how he wanted his commercial "I want it to be epic and persuasive, everyone should buy my nails", he was said to not worry and come back in a week, and the commercial would be made. He came back a week later and he watched his commercial preview. The …

Bob dies and his 3 close friends meet at a bar. They meet to discuss what to do with Bob's ashes. The first friend says "Bob and I used to hike a lot so I think we should scatter his ashes in the mountains." The second friend says "Well Bob and I used to spend weekends fishing. I think we should put the ashes in his favourite lake." Finally his third friend says "What you guys didn't know is that Bob and I were gay lovers. I want to take Bob's ashes and put them into my homemade chilli so I…

Trophy Wife Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful looks and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how …

R.I.P Bob Bob was a bus conductor-cum-driver. He had been going through rough times, with his wife leaving him for his best friend. One day on the job, he saw a young woman, probably in her early 20's signalling for the bus. Bob couldn't hold his rage in anymore and vented his frustration on the pedal, killing the woman on impact. Bob was taken to court for his crime and was sentenced to death by 5 minutes on the electric chair. Bob miraculously lived the electrocution and was let to live a nor…

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry,…

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary.... His wife was mad. She said "Tomorrow morning there better be a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds!" The next morning there was a box, gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob's been missing since Friday.

Friendship Bob goes to his friend Johnny and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?" Johnny doesn't like it but being Bob's long time friend, he agrees. After service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the Pastor gets annoyed and asks Johnny what he's really up to. Johnny, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor. "My friend is sleeping wi…

When he was president, George W. Bush decided to visit a school... ...so the kids could ask him questions. 'Mr. President, my name is Bob and I'd like to ask three questions,' says the first kid. 'Alright, ask away,' says Bush. 'My first question: why do you label everything as "terrorism"? My second question is: why do you always say we have the moral high ground when we were the ones who dropped two atomic bombs? And finally: how come you only became president after they counted the votes …

Good news and bad news Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died ha…

The European Vacation Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat …

Bob's clever wits One day in class, little Bob asked his teacher, “Can I be punished for something I haven’t done?” The teacher replied, “Of course not! That would be unfair.” Bob, feeling relieved, said, “That’s good to know! Because I haven’t done my homework.”

Embarrassing medical procedure. Bob's physician told him he needed to schedule a colonoscopy procedure as a precaution. The doctor told him he would he would write a note to give his boss since Bob would need to be off work for 2 days. Bob said he didn't feel comfortable telling his boss what procedure he was having. It just seemed too vulnerable and personal. The doctor offered another option. "If you are not comfortable telling your boss you are scheduled for a colonoscopy, just say you …

Bob and Frank (from the other joke) escaped the cannibals and went back to their job at the Sawmill. One day Frank hears a bloodcurdling scream. He runs to Bob's station and sees that Bob has cut his arm clean off. Ever the quick thinker, Frank puts the severed arm in a zip-loc bag and rushes with Bob down to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day, Frank goes to see how his pal is doing and finds him playing tennis. (Using a tennis racket. Not the severed arm.) "Incred…

Bob’s wedding anniversaries Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the bo…

Tim the Chicken Tim was a nervous chicken. He rarely went out in public and spent the majority of his life trying to blend in to the background. And this devotion to anonymity followed Tim through his entire childhood and adolescence. As Tim approached his eighteenth birthday, his one friend, a sheep named Bob, was adamant Tim needed to celebrate this milestone. It took much convincing, but eventually Tim agreed to make his first visit to a pub and experience his first taste of alcohol. …