#second-man

So the army is forced to cut the pensions of some of their veterans... In order to repay the veterans for their service they bring in three veterans. They tell the three that they will be reimbursed in money, in that each one can choose two points of their body, and the distance between the two will be how much money they receive. Anyway, the first man goes and says, ""I'll have my outstretched wingspan measured."" His wingspan is 160cm, so he is given $160. The second man chooses the top of his…

In line at The Pearly Gates... are 3 men. The first approaches St. Peter who says,""Tell me, what did you do in life?"" The man explains that he was a priest. St. Peter shakes his hand and ushers him to a waiting escort. The second man steps up. The same question is asked and he explains that he was a doctor. Again he receives a simple hand shake and a single escort. The third man steps forward and explains that he was a lawyer. Suddenly Peter gets very excited. A band comes rushing out of the g…

3 guys are stranded on an island of cannibals.... Three men are stranded on an island and caught by cannibals. The cannibals tell the three men to go into the jungle and bring back 5 pieces of fruit and they might let them live. All three men go into the forest to find fruit, and the first man comes back with 5 oranges. The cannibals say if he can shove all 5 oranges up his butt without screaming in pain them they will let him live. the man screams in pain on the second orange and the cannibals …

Two men are talking on a subway train... So two strangers sit next to each other and begin to read quietly. After a while, they notice that they are both reading the same book. They get to talking, and eventually they get around to exchanging names. The first man says, ""Im Bill. What's your name?"" ""My name is Jesus Christ,"" says the second man. ""Oh come on, your name isnt Jesus Christ,"" says Bill ""Sure it is"" he responds. ""Follow me to the bar. Ill prove it to you."" So they go to the m…

Law Of The Jungle Three scientist friends go into the jungle on an expedition to research local tribes. After they are several days deep into the jungle they encounter a village, and are immediately captured. The three men are told by the village leader, who claimed to be the king of the amazon, that to avoid slaughter at the hands of their tribe, the three men would have to perform a trial; to go into the forest and find him a piece of fruit. Each goes off into the forest their own separate way…

Murder There were three european men going to America. they didn't know english so they each went to a place. the first person went to a football game and learned yes. the second person went to a resturant and learned forks and knives. the third man went to a candy shop and heard a little kid yell he stole my lollipop! they all found a dead body when a police officer came up and said did you kill this man? the first man said yes. the cop asked what did you do it with? the second man said forks a…

Three men are captured by criminals The criminal's leader says that if the men can go into the jungle and find 10 of the same fruit they would be freed. So they go into the jungle. The first man comes back with apples and was told by the leader that if he could shove all his fruits up his butt without wincing or making faces they would be freed. So the man shoves the first one up and then a second one accept he winced so they killed him. The second man comes in with berries. He's all the way to …

A man turns to another and says: ""sitting here is almost as bad as being drunk"" the second man, confused, asks ""How bad can being drunk be?"" the first responds, ""Try asking a glass of water""

Told by my brother, punchline gets me everytime Three men are adventuring through the Amazon jungle, searching for treasure. One day, as they were hacking through brush they are ambushed and captured by a fierce tribe. One of the warriors acts as the translator, and tells the three men what the leader of the tribe is planning for them. ""You have trespassed on our lands, and the punishment is one we have used for generations. Using our ancestors secrets, we are going to kill you, and turn you in…

Two men were playing golf... They're on the 18th hole and the first one says to the other ""Hey man, I think I need to go back to the club house. I've never had to shit this bad in my life."" The other one says ""Come on, were almost done. You can wait for one more hole."" The first guy says ""No. I cant wait. I realllllllyyy have to shit."" So the other guy tells him ""Just go in the woods then. Use a dollar or something to wipe yourself."" So the first guy goes into the woods, comes back a few…

Man walks into a doctor's office The doctor asks, ""what can I do for you today?"" The man replies, "" I'd like to be castrated."" The doctor, shocked asks, ""are you sure, this is a big decision, and once the procedure is done there's no turning back."" The man says, ""I'm sure, and if won't do it I'll find a doctor who will."" Uneasily, the doctor agrees to go along with the man's wishes. When the procedure is finish the man, bandaged and in pain, carefully walks toward the hospital door. Just…

The difference if you marry a Canadian girl... Three friends married women from different parts of the world... The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he…

Two men are standing on the pavement... Two men are standing on the pavement smoking cigarettes. The first man turns to the other and asks, ""Why are you smoking two cigarettes?"" The second man responds, ""One is for me and the other is in honor of my brother who is in jail."" The first man nods his understanding and leaves to get on with his day. Two weeks later the first man walks past the second man and sees he is only smoking one cigarette. Excited he asks him, ""Is your brother out of jail…

Two men walk into a bar. They sit down at the bar and the first man orders a scotch and soda. The second man remembers something that he has forgotten. He clutches his middle as the terrible remembrance doubles him over in pain. He falls over off of the bar stool and a hole opens in the floor. He tumbles to the bottom of the hole. From the bottom of the hole, he looks up at the first man, but he doesn't cry out to him. They aren't that close.

When heaven was full... God ordered the angel at the gate to only let people in who have died horrible deaths into heaven. So the angel asked the first man who came up, ""How did you die?"" The first man replied, ""You see, I was coming home from work early this day because I suspected my wife of cheating on me, and I wanted to catch her in the act. So I came home to our apartment, on the 3rd floor mind you, and on my way up, I heard a lot of scuffling. When I got in my wife argued that no one e…

Three men die in a car crash on Christmas Eve... When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter is there to greet them. ""Welcome to Heaven!"" exclaimed St. Peter, ""Since this is Christmas time there is a special rule for getting in - you must have an ordinary object with you that you can interpret to represent Christmas."" The first man thinks for a second, and pulls out his keys, shaking them in front of St. Peter. ""They're jingle bells!"" St. Peter lets the man in. The second man digs through…

late night... A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender, ""Bartender get me a tequila!"" The bartender gets him a tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then he looks around the bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers. He points at one of them and says ""You! I have slept with your mother!"" The man looks at the old man then goes about drinking his beer. Then the old man yells ""Bartender! Get me another tequila!"" The bartender gets him another …

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, ""What is three times three?"" ""274"" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, ""It's your turn. What is three times three?"" ""Tuesday"", replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, ""Okay, your turn. What's three times three""? ""Nine"", says the third man. ""That's great!"" says the doctor. ""How did you get that""? ""Simple,"" says the third man. ""I subtracted 274 from Tuesday.""

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference roomtable the interviewer asked ""What is the fastest thing you know of?"" Pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied ""A THOUGHT. It pops into y…

A man was in a bar and needed a light for his cigarette. The man next to him pulled out a long, thin lighter such as the first man had never seen before. The first man asked the second man where he got it. The second man said, ""There is a genie living in a bottle next to the river. If you go there and rub the bottle, the genie will grant you one wish."" The first man found the bottle near the river and rubbed it. The genie appeared and said, ""I will grant you one wish."" The man thinks for a w…

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked ""What is the fastest thing you know of?"" pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied ""A thought. It pops into …

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, ""T-square, do your stuff."" T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, …

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, ""Tsquare, do your stuff."" T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreads…

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, ""God, please give me the strength to cross the river."" Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed, ""God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."" Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs an…

Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates. ""In honor of this holy season,"" Saint Peter said, ""you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."" he first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ""They're bells."" Saint Peter said you may pass …