#dark-humor

Boss: "We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die."

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that's your ghost outfit forever.

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon] HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

"Have u seen my cat?" "I saw a cat down the road?" "Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?" "No, the one I saw was dead."

My nephew told me all he wants for Christmas is his dead dog back. Can't WAIT to see his face when I wrap it up and stick it under the tree.

A person dies every 3 seconds. How can a person die that many times?

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don't freak out

[last meal on death row] "Pepper?" *nods* "Say when" *winks to camera*

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I'm dead and someone is wearing my skin

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

"Where's Waldo?" books become more thrilling if you think "Okay... Waldo's my brother and he's off his meds and will die if I don't find him."

Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don't get invited to much.

Sorry I missed your funeral, but in my defense, you're not coming to mine.

So it's legal to sleep on a pillow but illegal to hold it over someone's face until they die? Ugh, government

Shattner didn't go to Nimoy's funeral, and Obama's been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

Pokemon Go has taught us that there's a disturbing number of dead bodies just laying around everywhere

{Bear walks up to me} ME: Plays dead BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election ME: Ugh, a poller bear

"I saw mommy kissing santa claus" has the same number of syllables as "I saw someone die at Disney World." Life's funny like that.

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

Back in my day when we found a Pokemon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

Happy Valentine's Day!! If you don't have that perfect someone in your life, you are worthless. Die.

{after you tell me about your horrible, yet life altering near-death experience} "Have you seen my charger?"

I've been watching the Crime Investigation channel all day. Murder just seems like the easiest way to solve your problems.

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don't be rude. Take a little bite.