#dark-humor

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

Ouija board just told me it's still waiting on a grandbaby and I was like lol Mom when did you die

Nana's house is getting real bad, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting another dead cat.

ME: fine, judge me. judge me for loving too much, for caring too much- JUDGE: you're on trial for murder ME: for murdering too much

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

I have to say the best part about being over 30 is how short and easy hangovers get. Haha, kidding, it's 7PM and I'm actively hoping to die.

All I want is to live well and to die in a manner so bizarre and gruesome it can only be described with a German word.

i always get gatorade and gasoline confused. my car is real good at sports and im dead

Her; My phones dead let me use yours Me; (throws phone out car window) oh I must of left it at home

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Honest, I only meant to rough him up a bit.

You ever randomly hear your mom singing 'Candy Shop' and then die a little inside?

They say there's no such thing as a free lunch, but I'm at Applebee's & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.

You know you've seen too many walking dead episodes when your hand gets stung by a bee and you start screaming for everyone to cut it off

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he's been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

He's dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He's a shit pinata. He's gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes

me: [performing autopsy] so I've been practicing my ventriloquism assistant: now's not the time corpse: aw come on

Me: [opens front facing camera at a funeral and starts crying] "he must've meant a lot to her."

Van Halen on tour in 2012! I doubt the Mayans realized they'd be up against "Drop Dead Legs" when they predicted the end of the world.

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral] sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

I just signed a deal with my liquor store that when I die I'll be stuffed in the Capt. Morgan pose and displayed inside their store.

"Daddy, am I going to die someday?" "No, you're the only immortal being in the entire world. Goodnight, stupid."

If you don't think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you're probably the boss

Your plastic surgery looks amazing. Your rotting, lifeless corpse is going to look so young. The other corpses will be so jealous.