#dark-humor

Well, I don't know how my tattoo is gonna look when I'm 60, Carol, but I know you'll be dead by then so

"...until death do us part." *looks at minister* "What about a Walking Dead situation where she's a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?"

Her: OMG you're alive!!! I heard you bought the farm! ME: No no, I bought "a" farm. HER: but I told everyone you're dead! ME: That's fine

Everyone stop writing movies. Hollywood is just going to make every movie again every 13 years until we all die

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend's dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

When a woman says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

*Sees dead cat on the road. Walk it off buddy, you got 8 more.

Women, when you say: "We should move into a better house." A man hears: "My plan is to force you to work till the day you die."

I've replaced my friends insulin with heroin. This is the most expensive prank I've ever done but it's ok, I'll rob him when he's dead.

Me: Want some of my nachos? Coworker: I don't like nachos. Me: Hello 911, what's consider premeditated murder?

That awkward moment when you step on a lego and all the kids scatter because they know SOMEONE must die.

Just saved a bunch of money on my Glenn from The Walking Dead Halloween costume by not showering for a month.

You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's cheat and murder for insurance money like they do on Investigation Discovery Channel.

I've officially started crossing my sevens when I write them. It's a fun, easy way to distract myself from the fact that I'll be dead soon!

At grandma's. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, "Look who's finally up. We thought you were dead!"

How do black people decide what day to wear airbrushed memorial t-shirts of dead relatives?

Every chef on Chopped's like "I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao."

*man lies on death bed* But it can't be my time. I have...so much more...constructive criticism to give...

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can't sit through my daughter's violin recital without a desire to die.

In a parallel universe, cartoons are watching us and thinking "how sad, they die if you drop an anvil on their heads..."

I confuse "playing dead" with "playing dumb" so if I ever encounter a bear I'll probably be like "Listen, I don't even know how I got here."

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It's always the same angel. It's covered in wings now and wants to die but can't

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I'll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

Levi's commercial idea. A man lay dead on the ground. Another man stands over him. The camera pushes in slowly on the killer's face. Levi's

wife: "im sorry, he has to try everything before he buys it" store owner: "it's okay" me: [lying in a coffin] "the first one was better"