#dark-humor

Someone just tweeted something vague that made me think a celeb had died so I googled "dead." No dice! Thank god---hang in there, celebs!

Him: Are you gonna kill me? Me: WHAT? Him: Your mood swings. I figured today's the day I die. Me: Him: *whispers* Please don't hurt me.

When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn't know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene] *they all gasp* That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn't die. Now I'm just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

"look, if it's no fancy dress then the funeral invite should have specified no fancy dress. And besides, your aunt loved minions"

HER: I love Deadpool ME: I love Dead Pool HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too? ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims' bodies* Hmm?

Then outermost layer of your skin is mostly dead cells, so congratulations you're dead on the outside as well as the inside.

Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after I die.

[flying remote control helicopter near my wife] GET THAT THING AWAY FROM MY- [helicopter gets tangled in her hair & now I'm a dead person]

Waiter: May I take your order? Yes, roll over and play dead! Waiter: It's not that kind of order. Oh. Sorry. I'll have the cheese sticks.

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

None for me. I'll eat when I'm dead "You don't understand how that saying works, do you?" I'll understand how the saying works when I'm dead

Before twitter, celebrities used to sit dead for months and months completely unnoticed.

Weird how people always die in groups of 3's... or 5's or 78's or however you group them cause there's lots of people & we all die.

When I'm dead, I'm going to haunt offices and say, "OooOoo... why are you using your mouse?... hit Control-C... you're taking forever..."

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

Don't exercise so you can live longer. Exercise so when you're about to die you can think, "at least I don't have to exercise anymore".

I just want to look as good as Madonna does now when I've also been dead for 27yrs.

Me: Hi Kid: M: Still? It's been a week K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE! M: You didn't die. Calm down.

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin...no matter how epic it is

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. "You'll die too," I say. "9 lives," my cat whispers, lighting a match.

If you're ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she's not hot enough to be that crazy.

*beats dead horse* *kills two birds with 1 stone* *lets cat out of bag* *takes bull by horns* *breaks camels back* *gets kicked out of zoo*

Benjamin Button Started off dead Violets are blue Roses are red