#dark-humor

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

I want a romantic comedy trailer that starts, "Ben was looking for love in all the wrong places," and then shows Ben digging up a grave.

[Speaking at funeral] We made it guys it's Friday

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody's gettin' ready for the world's end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

If Abraham Lincoln were alive today he'd probably run a really good blog about top hats and play bass in a Grateful Dead cover band.

"Sir... your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He's in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!" - Worst ER doc

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don't eat it. #FathersDay

The most awkward part of a murder/suicide pact has to be deciding who goes first.

To make a long story short: Hamlet: Everyone dies Macbeth: Everyone dies Titanic: Everyone dies Twilight: You want to die

I love this time of year, where my massive spider webs and the dead guy in my living room are "Halloween decorations" again.

If you own a big home and someone tells you to go big or go home, you get trapped in a paradox forever and can't even die. I'm serious.

Can someone explain to me why I agreed to go camping this weekend? I'm pretty sure tents don't have wifi and I will most likely die.

The Wizard of Oz is my favorite children's book that teaches us that it's ok to steal shoes from someone as long as they're dead.

ME: I wasn't invited to the party FRIEND: Yeah, people think you're melodramatic ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

A woman could tweet "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I'm not dead ;)"

[at funeral parlor with bereaved girlfriend] HER: You think these glass urns are a good idea? ME: Remains to be seen.

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he's in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I'm like "OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE"

I just found out five people I went to high school with are dead. What's taking the rest of them so long?

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a 'bloodshed,' well I've just about given up on you

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

If by "chivalry is dead" you mean "I put my coat in a puddle for my wife so she's making me do laundry for a week" then yes chivalry is dead

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There's no episode where a man asks a woman 'what's wrong?'

I am a Renaissance Man in the sense that I'll probably die young of a horrible disease while great discoveries are made around me.