#dark-humor

I'd make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they'll work themselves out.

A goldfish is a great pet if you're wanting to be forced to explain death to your toddler sometime within the next 48 hours.

I don't know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...

*discretely picks a booger* *slyly wipes it on her blouse* Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

"I'll sleep when I die" - person who doesn't really understand sleeping or dying.

[being murdered] Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher Murderer: ...yes Me: and you didnt empty it Murderer: [murder roles reverse]

I'm about to watch 'Funny or Die' on HBO. Wow. Now I'm nervous.. I hope I laugh..

Clicking the 'Remember Me' button on login pages guarantees all your favorite websites will show up to your funeral.

Keep your coworkers on their feet by beginning your next e-mail with "If you're reading this, I'm already dead."

After all of the screaming I've done, you'd think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

ok open your eyes!! "are those.. are those dead bunnies? what the fu-" Febreze Air Effects. haha. covered it up well? "im calling the cops"

I'm surprised "slow internet connection" doesn't come up more often as a motive in murder trials.

[MURDER TRIAL] JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt? MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That's correct.

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

Snow's starting to melt. Soon I'll have to rake the leaves from last fall and do something with the dead panda. I told the kids he ran away.

My kid can build an entire city with a stick & a bale of hay in Minecraft but you ask him to load the dishwasher & suddenly he's brain dead

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break! Age 25: Exercise reduces stress! Age 35: My doctor says I'll die immediately if I don't do this

"murder" she wrote "your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter" the screen said "murd3R" she wrote, frowning

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret. Pat: Thank you. Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

The neighbor's cat brought me a dead lizard while I was outside having a snack on the patio, so it's now some weird interspecies potluck.

If I'm found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

Small kid : Mom what happens when you die? Mom : Your soul will go to heaven. Small kid : No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

Be the first thought on her mind when she wakes up & the last before she sleeps... unless she's plotting your murder... then don't be that.

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back? STENOGRAPHER: "I Did The Murder." JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

I'm starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.