#dark-humor

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead 911: did u murder him? BLACK WIDOW: uh 911: ma'am BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

Found out a guy I dated was in jail for attempted murder. He never even tried to take me camping, I'm not even good enough to kill.

If I'm guilty of anything it's that I care too much, that and murder

I don't understand why death row inmates are given their choice of meal before they're executed. "I have to die tomorrow, but I get TACOS!"

If you're famous and your name suddenly becomes a Twitter trending topic, you are probably dead.

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don't open your heart.

When I die, I'm donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they're not into it

[meeting at amc network] "Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?"

[Darth Vader storming through the Death Star turning off lights, mumbling about we ain't lighting the universe]

Me: Grandma died, can't work today. Boss: Thought she died last month? Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

My biggest fear is dying alone. Not really stoked to die with people either. You know, dying in general doesn't exactly sound like pancakes.

At my funeral, I'm stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

The last human alive will get no funeral.

My son failed gym. But he unlocked every achievement on Left 4 Dead so it's a wash.

If I got kidnapped I'd continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I'd die but at least they'd suffer too.

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I'm sure of: A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

patrick henry: GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH bad people: ok, death patrick henry: [turns around and whispers] guys this was not smart

Carp we hit an iceberg! What am I herring? This scampi true! Whale I squid you not Oh cod I can't die Waterboat me? You're so shellfish Fin

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

Instagram: My life is a party. Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show Facebook: My life turned out great! Twitter: We're all going to die.

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What's that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

Officer there's nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

I spent the last hour molding a little man out of Starbursts and now I have to explain to him about death.

good news Craig, we got your murder charge bumped down to theft. just tell us why you stole that dude's blood/bones