#dark-humor

They take away old people's drivers licenses, but old people wreak much more death & destruction with their email forwards.

[Morning after wedding] *dead husband lies on bed* PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife] "Why no pants on?" We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

hunting for meat is a fun, important life skill. all you have to do is find a smaller animal and bite it until it is dead

I hate when a grocery clerk judges you for what you put on the checkout belt. I found that dead cat behind YOUR store & now I want to buy it

they say if you love something let it go but tell that to my dead husband I dropped into a volcano from this helicopter and he'd disagree

A friend is in jail and I can't help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

"ranch goes with everything" i whisper while placing a bottle of ranch in grandma's coffin

People who say they're in the best shape of their lives are usually about to die.

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

Whoever said you can't teach an old dog new tricks was so wrong. I taught mine how to play dead and she's been doing it for a year straight.

I always finish sandwiches because there will already be too many regrets when I die.

Officer: We're building the Death Star as fast as we can. Vader: I have new ways to motivate you. *implements margarita Tuesdays*

How much for the vacation home? Sir, this is a coffin.

Hm im scared of getting murdered. better go watch 20 tv shows about murder

{At funeral} *holding widows hand* I'm sorry for your loss. He had so much updog "What's updog?" *pats her hand* Not much what's up with you

[cemetery] *priest says a final prayer* *harambe's casket is lowered into the ground* *toddler falls in*

(At a funeral) Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

I wonder if anyone on death row ever picked an all you can eat buffet for their last meal & just ate really slowly forever. Boom. Loophole.

On the list of things I fear the most, "death" comes in as a close second to "audience participation"

Teen girl in mirror "I look like death!" [Meanwhile in Hell] Death scoffs & flips his hair "Yeah, as if"

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad's side of the bed and wake him up.

The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse.

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral Friend: what? that's not a giraffe Me: sorry I'm on drugs at your grandmas funeral

One of my "100 things to do before you die" would definitely be "call an ambulance".