#dark-humor

*sees cars lined up outside church* wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding? me: What's the difference?

COP 1: whys there a dead scuba diver in the forest?? COP 2: easy...he was in the water they drop on forest fires WEIRD SERIAL KILLER: no no NO

Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

[at work] "Mornin, Margaret." "Mornin. You're late today." [looks at watch] "Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?"

M: What do you want for dinner? H: I don't care, you decide M: Sushi? H: No, but whatever. M: Mexican? H: Nah, but your call. He's dead now

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

When I die, I want my tombstone to read "He died doing what he loved. Hating whatever he was doing."

I once had a brush with Death and then a floss and a rinse; no woman wants to get intimate with a dark annihilator of souls with bad teeth.

after u die u do the same life again on a higher difficulty setting. more relationships fail and more loved ones die. certain dogs explode

I listen to gangsta rap sprinkled with a little Sarah McLachlan. Will I murder you? Will I adopt a puppy with you? You don't know.

Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be

McDonalds wants you to tell your family you love them because if you keep eating McDonalds it won't be long before you're dead.

[death row] GUARD: Ok, here's your last meal. Bon appetit. CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

What's up with these people in Pakistan getting stoned to death? What kind of weed are they growing there?

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, "Thank god I'll be dead by the time you grow up."

The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5'4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.

Fun fact about Earth: It is an insane hellworld where a species of ape has harnessed the power of liquefied dead things to destroy itself.

Kids want a dog, told em I can only keep 4 things alive, them & the plant. If we add a dog something will die & I cant be sure its the plant

If i could have dinner with anyone alive or dead i would probably just cancel on them at the last minute

Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge... Rest in peace. Friend: I'm so sorry for your loss. Me: Oh, she's not dead, she's just really lazy.

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You'll die, but the bear will suffer too.

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks