#dark-humor

me: mom i like this person from twitter mom: TWITTER IS LIKE CRAIGSLIST YOU THINK YOURE BUYING USED BOWLING SHOES AND YOU WIND UP DEAD

walk up in the club like what up omg this is a funeral i am so sorry I twerked on the casket sorry for your loss.

I was working in the yard. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake. I hit it with a shovel. I'm happy to report the garden hose is dead

You know what they say? Once you go white, you'll rob the world of it's resources and murder indigenous peoples.

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception? [at the same time] ME: Murder-suicide HIM: The chicken dance!

When it comes down to it, the most important thing you can do everyday is not die.

Dogs have 10 expressions for "I love you! I love you!" and cats have 10 for "I hope you die slowly in a fire but feed me dinner first."

*tear runs down cheek "Why are all these people dead on the inside?" "Sir, this is a morgue."

Girls say they want a guy with a sense of humor, but they don't specify what type. Remember, serial killers think murder is a hoot.

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

[God making water] "it helps plants" ANGEL: nice "cleans things" A: ok "u die if u don't drink it" A: "& drown if u drink it wrong" A: what

"Eat your dinner so that lamb didn't die for nothing" - will ensure you get your daughter's helping, too.

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

When I die I want my tombstone to say free WiFi so people will visit more often. I will also name the network "HELP, I'M STILL ALIVE!"

"When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?" Yes, son. Love is terrible. "No Mom, I said LAVA." Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

Surely I'm not the only who chews extra hard to make sure the Teddy Grahams are good and dead. Surely.

If u had Hitler & a guy who doesnt mute the keyboard on his iPhone in a room & could only kill one, would u give Hitler the dead guys phone?

While a gun does make for a cool weapon on The Walking Dead, the most effective weapon against the zombies is probably lightly jogging?

Someone die? Time to get high! Come on down to Barry's Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave! (BYO shovel)

GOLFER: what r u thinkin ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

In the Walking Dead how and when does the cop guy find time to clean, iron, and press his uniform during the zombie apocalypse?

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.

What doesn't kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren't good enough for death.

Is there an easy way to leave a dance circle or do I have to die here?