#dark-humor

I'd stage an angry protest against Scott Brown & the death of health care reform, but I can't afford to get hurt.

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

Drake the type of dude who eat two gummy bears at the same time so they don't die alone.

If someone wants something their whole life, and you make it happen after they die, that is so goddamned mean. What are you even thinking

if you take a selfie at a dad's funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

Some choices are easier than others: An emergency doctor's appt vs a much needed hair appt. At least if I die my hair will be cute.

I forgive you, but I hope your death is written, produced, and directed by Quentin Tarantino.

hey, a mime! *mime starts having heart attack* hes pretending to die lol *mime collapses* *hours later still watching his body* wow hes good

*pops out of casket at funeral* ok but when I actually die you guys better have nicer things to say

Anyone who doesn't believe sentient A.I. will be the death of humanity has never been asked by Waze to make an unprotected left turn.

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that's no problem

Responding as if you've just been wrongfully accused of murder when someone on the phone asks if you're still in bed

I like to wear fur coats, but fur is murder, so I just tied 15 live badgers together and this coat is really scratchy and bitey.

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions? ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow? PILOT: Yes it's how most of you will die. Next?

"Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?" -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

5-year-old: I can't finish my lunch. I don't feel good. Me: OK, then no ice cream. 5-year-old: I'm sick, not dead.

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you're dead ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It's better HAVE

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago] "Useless piece of shit."

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing "Fortunate Son" on my boombox while watching a man die.

"i wouldnt be caught dead" someone throws a net over my dead corpse "gotcha!!" "noooo"

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you're dead, your Miranda rights don't count for shit.

People who make me do a slight jog because they hold the door open for me when I'm 15 feet away are the first to die when I become god.

People who say love is dead have obviously never seen me eat a burrito.

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I'm not going.