#dark-humor

To make sure everyone cries at my funeral, I'm requesting they play nothing but Creed and Nickleback through factory car speakers.

Hey guys quick question. Uh I'm in K-Mart right now, which aisle would be the best for me to lie down and die in?

[marriage counseling] She thinks I make bad decisions "He hired a clown for my nana's funeral" PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN

When are they going to pass a law making the selling of horrible guacamole punishable with death?

*tries to quietly eat carrot sticks during your funeral*

I hate people who have a great timing with jokes. When I do it I get responses like "Who are you and why are you at my grandma's funeral?"

Cat: who? Me: what? Cat: when? Me: where? Cat: how? Me: Cat: we need a life Me: we Cat: well Im dead and ur talkin to me so more you Me:

Ghosts never write encouraging stuff on my mirror. It's always "KILL" or "MURDER" or "YOU'RE OUT OF NUTELLA"

My attorney's sole responsibility after I die will be to unfriend people that post anything about angels on my wall.

before you do a horrific crime, double check whether you could get the death penalty for it and if so whether you really want to do it

"So,why r all Arabs terrorists?" 'All?' "Well,most." 'There's 369,243,763 Arabs.If they were mostly terrorists,you'd be dead' #ArabInAmerica

DiCaprio movie endings; Shutter Island: is he dead? Titanic: is the boat dead? Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead? Inception: am I dead?

Saw a sticker that said "my son was an honor student". I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he's not dead, maybe he's just stupid now

"Ride or die" seems a bit dramatic. I'm looking for a "ride or maybe go our separate ways if things aren't working out."

[sees kid crying] Kid: Im lost Me: that's ok. We're all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

The worst part of having to kiss someone is when the coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

"Jess is coming over" "Jess who indiscriminately murders people or-" *Gets stabbed to death* "Yes"

Moths must love dying because they get to go towards the light. Ughh I just anthropomorphised moths with unverified human ideas about death.

"The N stands for number so no need to say 'PIN number'. "Terribly sorry, I'll start again: 'You're dead if you don't give me your PIN'.

I spent 10 minutes comparing minivans with another dad in case you wondered what it's like to be dead inside.

No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they're gonna die and I can save them.

And if I die before I wake I pray a virus my phone to take.

"Chivalry isn't dead," I say, watching one zombie hold the door open for another.

Real men don't need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.