#dark-humor

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? "We don't know who he is, but we know his dentist!"

My kid told me an "old dead girl" lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I'm never going in there again.

If Kevin Bacon ever killed someone, the best a prosecutor could probably do is convict him of 6th degree murder.

Apparently, the words "I'd still hit it" are words best kept to yourself at a funeral

$50 says Jesus rose from the dead to clear his browser history.

Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can't convict with no murder weapon. It's the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

"We just want to find someone who will-" *sly grin* -Finish our sentences? "Exactly." -death row inmates

Facebook timelines are just a step by step account of your march toward death.

[wife leaving for the weekend] "Baby formula is in the cupbo--" "I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad's funeral."

"You are what you eat" I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog's ashes into my cat's food bowl

[Interviewing to be a mortician] Do you have any experience handling dead bodies? -Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I'm gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

"Eat shit and die!" -- Fly teaching his son about life

Guys say "never trust something that bleeds seven days and doesn't die" as if something with two heads powered by one brain is trustworthy.

"How'd you die?" "I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?" "I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen" "Oh.."

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just "get over it" when I'm depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today? Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

[at wife's funeral] Son: At least shes in heaven now Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don't know shit about your mom

"My uncle is a dead person guy". Me last night when I couldn't think of the word mortician

You said you couldn't live without me, so it's very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

If 50 is the new 30, then Dead is the new 80.

If there isn't an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I'm not going!

If I must die someday, I hope it's in a burrito avalanche.

If you're able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.