#dark-humor

Wife: "If I die first, I want you to remarry." Me: "Wow. Do you really hate me that much?"

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would've named it Carl.

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they'll leave you alone.

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet! WINDOWSTM: restart planet for important updates GOD: um ok *dinos die, man appears* GOD: wtf

ME: genie, i wish i was dead GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left ME: i dont think u understood

I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don't like her new haircut.

- We buried my mother-in-law yesterday. - Sorry to hear that. When did she die? - My guess would be sometime this morning.

Based on the number of nurses on twitter, I now know why I'm bleeding to death in the ER.

CASHIER: "Did you find everything you were looking for?" ME: "Oh, yes..." [places "How To Murder A Cashier" book on counter]

You'd think old people would drive faster with the whole death thing creeping up on them and all.

The time for being a smartass isn't when someone is in a murderous rage. There's a discreet unmarked grave out there that'll attest to that.

Phone rang for the 1st time in 4 months. My reaction was similar to finding a dead mouse on my porch. I circled it & poked it with a stick.

11.45: Arrived at crime scene 11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle 11.45: Found murder weapon in drain 11.45: Realised watch was broken

My friend overdosed on chill pills. On the plus side, he was by far the coolest person at the funeral.

If my dad were alive today he would say, "Mark stop telling people I'm dead"

Hmm. Every fortune cookie I've opened in the past six months says "you will die screaming." Weird.

Lord please give me patience, because if you give me strength I may just beat someone to death.

If you encounter another Dad in the wild wearing a #1 Dad shirt, you must fight to the death. Disneyland has never been so fun

*at funeral* ME: I know how you feel FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel-- ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

Son? "Yes dad?" If they ever put me on my death bed... I want you to... "Yes?" Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf

me and grandma are eating bread pudding and watching murder mysteries, she says what's up

Does this cubicle make me look dead inside?

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is "ding dong the witch is dead" so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

Tis the season to kidnap a tree, hold it hostage, keep it from its family during the holidays, then leave it for dead.

Watching a Kristin Stewart movie. She's being CHASED by ppl who want her DEAD. The CHEESE STICK I'm holding has a more frightened expression