#buddy

THE TEXT MESSAGE . Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I'm sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left for …

Bernie sanders Me and my buddy are playing 1 cent pool bets. I'm up two games and I say I'm going to get your 2 cents. He goes nobody wants it anyway. I reply, so you're just giving it away? I'm already feelin the bern!

Being an election year, I thought this one was timely A guy meets and old buddy of his at a store that he hadn't seen in about fifteen years. He noticed that his friend had a ten year old son. The guy says to the kid, ""What do you want to be when you grow up, young man?"" ""I want to be President of the United States!"", the kid proudly says, ""I'm a Democrat, just like my dad!"" The guy says, ""That's pretty ambitious, young man. It take a lot of work to be President. To teach you the value of…

My phone died and my buddy said I'm sorry for your loss... Where is the service?

More 83 YO dad funnies. Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and w…

The $40 joke Steve is going out for his buddy's bachelor party. It's been planned for months. He gets home from work and quickly starts getting ready. His lady, Tina, surprises him with a fancy dress shirt for the big night. ""Aw thanks babe, it's amazing"". She tells him it was really expensive but ""he's worth it and it's a big night"". He leaves and meets the lads at the bar. No time for food, apparently and they dive straight into shooters. 8 shots in, no food and Steve stands up and pukes a…

I tried to catch the essence of American football It's like you got a pretty big can of cold beer and on the other side of field your best buddy dying from hangover

FAA study of black boxes found in domestic US, fatal, small airplane crashes shows 98% say ""may day"" remaining 2% are pilots from Tennessee who say, ""hey good buddy, hold my beer and watch this""

My buddy just came over with his eyebrows waxed... The light had them shining so much it looked like both of his eyes just came up with the best idea.

A man goes to a bar... ... and rushes to the bartender asking for 10 shots. The bartender pours them and he starts drinking each one right away. The bartender say "" whoa buddy you should slow down"" and the man says ""well you'd drink them as fast if you had what I have"". The bartender curiously asks "" well what do you have?"" and the man says ""five dollars"".

Three buddies are out on a lake... Three buddies are out on a lake in Canada fishing and drinking away a hot summer day when one falls overboard. The first looks at the second and asks ""Hey Sam, did Louis just fall outta the boat?"" Sam responds ""Geez Bill! Ya, he musta! Should we go see if we can help him?"" ""Soon as we finish our beers, yep."" So the boys finish their beers and put their rods away before jumping over the side and diving down to see if they can find their buddy. After three …

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says............ A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, ""Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"" The man said to the blind man, ""Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"" The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, ""Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain i…

My buddy is doing a semester abroad. I would be perfectly content doing a broad a semester.

A string walks into a bar. He goes to sit at the bar and the bartender walks over. The bartender says, ""Hey we don't serve you're kind here you're gonna have to leave."" The string refuses to leave so this angers the bartender. ""Hey buddy you better leave now or I'm gonna get security."" ""I'm not going anywhere."" The string continues to stand his ground and he starts getting defensive and violent. Security comes over and the string starts shoving them. The security guards drag him out the ba…

I met a man with a peach for a head. Walking along one day I ran into a man with a peach for a head. I said ""Hey buddy! Why do you have a peach for a head?"" He replied "" Thank you for noticing. One day I was walking down the road and I found a lamp. Just for a laugh I rubbed it and would you believe it a genie appeared. The genie said I could have 3 wishes and it could be anything I wanted. The first thing I wished for was a large house and all the money in the world. The second thing I wishe…

A man rushes into a bar and yells out, ""Guys I just heard the funniest pole joke!"" And the bartender says, ""Hold up there buddy, Im a pole"" And the man replies, ""Okay, then I will tell it slowly""

Blind man enters bar. He sits at the counter, and orders a drink. After loafing for a while, he says to the bartender: ""Hey, want to hear a blonde joke?"" The atmosphere suddenly becomes tense, and silence falls around him. Suddenly, a deep feminine voice towers over to him: ""I bench press 800 pounds at the gym every day. My girlfriend here has a black belt in judo, karate, and sumo. The bartender here isn't too slow himself, and he's trying to serve up four full tables. And you know what, bud…

Last weekend I went to shooting practice, when I was done I needed a ride so I called up my buddy and asked if he could pick me up, he said sure where u at Then I said, the pre school

Poor guy Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home... Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have be…

My buddy asked if I could make an electronic cigarette lighter so I removed the battery.

What did the intellectual neckbeard say to his buddy when he was asked about the Mayweather Pacquiao fight? I've never heard of that court case.

When my buddy smokes weed with me, he calls it smoking me out. Apparently bringing over a pizza and eating him out means something totally different.

My French buddy keeps trying to get me to drink It's a lot of Pierre pressure

So a guy sits down at a bar... The guy sits down at the bar and orders a drink. As he waits for the bartender to give him his order, he smells something foul. He sniffs and finds the odor is coming from the man next to him. He leans over and asks, ""Hey buddy, did you just shit yourself?"" The man responds ""Yeah sure did."" Taken aback the guy then asks, ""Well why don't you go get cleaned up?"" To which the other guy responds ""Cause I ain't finished yet.""

A young man comes before a customs agent. A: ""State your citizenship."" B:""American"" (pronounced with a Spanish accent). A: ""Hold on there, buddy. Say that again."" B: ""I sed American."" A: ""I'm going to give you a test."" B: ""No, no senor, no need for test, I tell you I""m American."" A: ""Yeah, sure buddy. OK, let's see, ... I've got it. Make a sentence with the following colors: green, pink and yellow."" B: ""Oh senor, I tell you I'm American. But OK, let's see... I was at my bruder-in…