#buddy

A buddy of mine told me he thinks I'm OCD the other day... I told him he was out of his place.

A man finds an old childhood friend... So a man runs into an old buddy from his childhood. Man: ""Hey! How have you been?"" Friend: ""Hey man! I've been great!"" Man: ""So how are your siblings? I remember there were six of you."" Friend: ""Not anymore there are 16 of us now."" Man: ""WOW! with that many kids you ought to put your mother on a pedestal!"" Friend: ""oh hell yeah. We put her on a huge one."" Man: ""Really? Why, to do her justice?"" Friend: ""No not justice, It's so my old man won't…

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS My buddy from Atlanta Georgia swears this works. Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint. Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick. The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the mounds. Spray each mound and the surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well. Once the ants realize they live in a black neighborhood, they quit working and start killing each other.

My buddy with 3 nuts just got a tattoo It was tri-bal.

Dress to impress A buddy wanted to improve his relationship with his mother-in-law by ordering her a nice dress from France. Unfortunately, she woke up while he was measuring her with a ruler..

Judge: You said that your wife was going with a friend.. Judge: You said that your wife was going with a friend amour killed. But why did you kill your wife not to kill a friend? Assamese: Sir, my many friends. Moments wife died more than a week, the buddy is not so simple as it seems. : q

Dad, about your will... A man was telling his buddy, ""You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Goodwill. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And d…

The magician. A famous magician was packing up after his performance when a young boy approached him. **Boy:**I am your biggest fan, could you please sign my hat? **Magician:**Of course little buddy, there you go. **Boy:**Could you please show me a magic trick. **Magician:**You know, I usually don't reveal my secrets but in this case I'll make an exception. Follow me. The magician takes the boy into a dark alley. **Magician:**Turn your back to me... The boy obeys. **Magician:**Pull your pants do…

Recently asked my North Korean buddy how it was over there... He said he couldn't complain.

Two black guys were walking down the road in Los Angeles.... When they were hit by a police car driven by a drunk cop. One guy was thrown through the windscreen and his buddy was sent hurling down an embankment. The first guy was charged with breaking and entering, and the second was charged with leaving the scene of an accident. (I'm not racist but I laughed at this so hard.)

Ambush Watch Down at the Senior Center the other day Joe was telling a tale about his experience in the jungle during his war. It seems that he was wearing a cheap watch one night while on an ambush and it made so much noise that his buddy insisted that he douse the watch with bug spray . . . to get rid of the ticks.

So My Buddy and I are browsing on r/Jokes... I'm on my phone on a chair and he's laying on my bed with his laptop on his lap. I come across a particularly hilarious joke and bust out laughing. My friend turns to me and asks what's so funny? And I turn to him and say, ""Dude, the Joke's ON You.""

Helluva guy John is a hellava guy. Type of guy who goes out on a Friday night, gets a couple of blow jobs, comes back and gives his buddy one.

Stolen Pictures My buddy just told me that he robbed a shop last night. ""What did you get?"" I asked. ""Twenty-six pictures,"" he smiled, showing me. ""The cheapest one is worth over $180,000."" He was crushed when I told him, ""Dude, these pictures are from a real estate agent's office!""

A truck driver walks into a bar... He tells the bartender ""give me a whiskey, straight up"". The bartender pours him a whiskey, the truck driver takes it, sloshes it around in his mouth, and spits it out on the floor. He asks the bartender for another. The bartender obliges and pours him another whiskey. Once again, the truck driver sloshes it around in his mouth and spits it out on the floor. At this point the bartender gets upset. ""Hey buddy! What's your problem?? Your making a mess all over…

Two men are hunting together in a tree stand. One leans over to his friend and says ""Hey I can see your house from up here! I can see through the window, it looks like your wife is cheating on you with some guy."" The husband in disbelief says to the other, ""Well if you can, shoot her in the head and him in the nuts. That'll teach them a lesson."" His buddy giggles as he raises his gun and says, ""I can get that in one shot!""

A Skunk and a Duck A duck and a skunk were walking along a lake. The duck wanted to show off how fast he could fly, so he bolted off across the lake, but lost control and hit a tree. The skunk ran up to him, ""Hey, Buddy! Are you OK??"" ""I think I'm fine, but I don't remember what I am?"" the duck replied. ""Well"" said the Skunk, ""You have a beak, feathers, and webbed feet. You must be a duck!"" The duck was joyous, ""You're right, I am a duck!"" But just then, a dangling branch fell off from…

What's the definition of a good buddy? [NSFW] A guy that goes into town and gets two blow jobs. Then comes back and gives you one.

World's Greatest Grandfather A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, cookies, and all sorts of things. The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: ""Easy, William, we won't be long"". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, ""It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there"". At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of…

WHAT WE LEARN FROM THE MOVIES -- It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting. -- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. -- If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. -- Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. -- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait pa…

My buddy went to a Halloween party as Jesus on the cross... Everyone said he pretty much nailed it

A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street.. A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to Fido. A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, ""Excuse me…

A bear walks into a bar in British Columbia... ...and demands a beer. The bartender replies, ""Can't do it. It's illegal to serve a bear beer in a bar in B.C."" The grizzly growls, ""Buddy, I said give me a goddamn beer. If you don't,""--he points to a woman trolling for drinks--""I'll eat that woman."" ""No can do"", says the bartender, ""it's illegal to serve a bear beer in a bar in B.C."" True to his word, the grizzly roars, leaps on the poor woman and rips her apart, eating her in front of t…

You know who you are.... I had a party at my house and a buddy of mine walked over to me from the crowd. I said do you know those three people that just walked in? He said to me ""...the guy who does CrossFit, the vegetarian and the atheist?"" I looked at him quizzically and said ""Do you know them?"" ""No, not at all"" He quipped, ""it was literally the first thing they said when they walked in the door.""

Fifty Bucks Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Edna always replied, I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks' One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, Edna, I'm 85 years old... If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Edna replied, ""Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty …