#buddy

A rabbit walks into a men's clothing store... And the clerk says,""May I help you, sir?"" ""Yes"", says the rabbit. ""I'd like a BLT with some coleslaw please."" ""I'm sorry sir"", says the clerk,"" but we don't have that here."" ""Oh, ok."", says the slightly deflated rabbit. ""I guess I'll have a house salad."" ""Sir,"" replies the slightly annoyed clerk,"" we don't have that. Is there something else I can help you with?"" ""Well,"" says the rabbit,"" in that case I'll just have a bowl of toma…

What did the gaysian give his buddy? A bro-job.

Vietnam veteran's hilarious true story A bunch of US soldiers were marching across a field. One of the guys says to his buddy, ""Hey, do you see where we are?"" He looks around and realizes they are walking through a massive field of marijuana. The soldiers started breaking off plants and stuffing them into their clothes and their helmets, as much as they could fit. Then their commanding officer comes over, sees what the men are doing, and shouts, ""Finally!!! Bout time you boys started listenin…

The greatest drummer in the world. In the summer of 1969, a mail sorter at a New York post office received a letter addressed ""To The Greatest Drummer in the World."" There was no address or return address and the sorter wasn't sure what to do. Fortunately, there was a former drummer who worked the front counter of the Post Office who promptly found Max Roach's address and forwarded the letter. Max Roach received the letter and said, ""Oh no, I'm not the greatest drummer in the world."" Max the…

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said ""My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him."" So I said ""well...probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it.""

One day a lizard is walking through the jungle when he hears laughing up in a tree... ...He looks up, and in the tree above him he sees a monkey smoking a joint and laughing to himself. He yells up, ""Hey, you got any more of that?"" The monkey says, ""Sure man, come on up!"" So the lizard climbs up the tree to the monkey and they start smoking. After three joints, the lizard is baked and tells the monkey, ""Hey man I got cotton mouth really bad. I need to go to the river and get a drink."" The …

My buddy, David, had his ID stolen while on a business trip in Prague... ...now we just have to call him Dav.

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, ""Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."" The guy says, ""No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."" He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just …

So this cop was writing a parking ticket. I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ""Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I call him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! The I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on t…

A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables the bartender says, buddy, I'll serve you as long as you don't start anything.

At the beach (When I was growing up, my father used to tell this joke at every thanksgiving gathering of friends and family. I was mortified each time. Now it's one of those memories that makes me smile, regardless of the joke quality...) Me and my buddy were out along the beach one weekend looking for clams. We had a nice spot picked out for a bake later in the evening. But as it started to get dark, we had to head back, with no clams at all. On the way, we saw a food vendor set up in the sand,…

A man walks into a bar... ...with nothing but a towel on. The bouncer stops him at the door and says, ""Sorry pal--no shirt, no shoes, no service."" So the man goes, ""What if I make it worth your while?"" The bouncer, taken aback, replies, ""Buddy, you've got nothing on but a towel. What could you possibly have that would make me change my mind?"" The man whispers into the bouncer's ear, and somehow is able to enter. He approaches the bar, and grabs a stool next to a beautiful lady, who shrieks…

A man walks into a bar... A man walks into a bar with a sad look on his face. The bartender asks ""What's the matter, buddy?"" ""I just got fired from my job. I don't know what I'm going to tell my wife and I've got two kids to look after."" ""Look, I tend to keep this to myself, but over in that closet there is a genie who will grant you one wish. Maybe he can help you out."" So the man heads over to the closet. Inside it's larger than he expected and there was actually two people inside. One s…

Dave is constantly bragging to everyone at work that he knows everyone in the world. Eventually, his boss has had enough of his shit, and tells Dave to prove it. So, Dave says ""sure, name someone, and I'll prove to you that I know them."" After a minute of thinking, the boss suggests Tom Cruise, and so off they go to see him. Once they arrive at Cruise's house, Dave knocks on the door, and is immediately buzzed in. Tom Cruise comes running down the stairs and says ""Dave old buddy, good to see …

Heimlich Maneuver Two hillbillies, Daryl and John, walk into a steakhouse and sit down at the bar. The two order beers. A woman next to them begins coughing hysterically and puts her hands over her neck to show she was choking. Springing into action, Daryl rushed over to the lady in distress. Grabbing the bottom of her dress, he lifts it up and takes a big lick across her ass. The lady's eyes widened, and in surprise coughed up the piece of steak she was choking on. Speechless, she stares at Dar…

Black eye Tom: ""Hey buddy, howya do...whoa! who gave you that black eye? Sam: ""My wife"" Tom: ""I thought she was out of town for the weekend."" Sam: ""So did I.""

A man goes on vacation... And calls up his buddy to see if he'll watch over the house and, more importantly, the cat. ""Sure thing, Jim! You know I love Tiger! You just enjoy your trip and I'll call you if anything pops up."" Two days later, Jim is sunbathing on a cruise ship when his phone rings. He recognizes his buddy's number and answers the phone. ""Jim... I'm not sure how to tell you this... Tiger died yesterday. He ran out the front door and was hit by a car."" After a moment for the shoc…

Magic Genie A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He sees another guy drinking, and notices he is sitting next to a tiny person playing a piano on the bar. ""Nice piano player"" the guy says. ""Where did you get that."" The drinking guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lamp. ""Here, rub the lamp and you will get three wishes."" He says. ""Just make sure you speak clearly"" The guy rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. ""You have three wishes"" the genie says. ""A million bucks!"" The g…

My buddy went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back... Half way through he said ""Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand."" The tattooist said ""Hang on pal, I've only just finished his turban.""

A policeman on patrol calls his fellow cop on the station... COP 1: Hey, I got a weird case over here COP 2: What is it buddy? COP 1: Im here at the front porch of an elderly couple's house COP 2: So? COP 1: Someone called me to go to this house because they heard shouting and stuff. And you wouldn't believe what happened... COP 2: What happened? COP 1: The wife stabbed her husband to death COP 2: How did you know? COP 1: As she opened the door, I saw her in tears, with fresh blood on her hands,…

A man is riding in the back of a taxi... and the taxi driver is silent and concentrated on the road. Wanting to ask a question, the man taps the driver on the shoulder and says ""Hey, buddy!"" The driver screams and loses control of the taxi and crashes into a pole. The man says ""Wow I didn't know me tapping you would scare you so much!"" The driver replies, ""It's not you're fault. This is my first day driving a taxi... last 20 years I drove a hearse!""

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, 'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter' Edna always replied, 'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks' One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, 'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance' To this, Edna replied, ""Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks' The pil…

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks, ""Hey, buddy, doesn't that bother you?"" The pirate says, ""Yar, it's drivin' me nuts.""

When I told my buddy that I'd be with his mom tonight, he informed me that she had died 5 years ago That's never stopped me before

My buddy is awesome at grilling steaks. They are all very well done