#school

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note. Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

Hey, we never talked in high school! Let's be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk! JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

College cheerleaders look like no one has told them about human mortality yet.

[High school reunion] Hey guys! Remember me!? "No" How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head* (in unison) CHRIS!

CASHIER: is there anything else I can help you with? ME: *pulls out my trigonometry homework from 1995* yes, yes there is

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

During pelvic exam: Dr.: Your cervix is very high. Me: OMG, weed affects your cervix too?!

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies." I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good - I ain't got any kids!"

By reading this tweet, you have earned a masters in communication from Stephen Colbert "University." Standard text messaging rates apply.

Face tattoos are a great way to let people know that you don't owe on any student loans.

I hate songs about how hard it is to be on the road. Stop being a musician if you don't like it. Apply to law school.

This ice creamery has less choices than a black person considering college options in 1954

Perverts have made it so you can't even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls' college diving team meets anymore.

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

"Lifehack" is now just synonymous with "action." "A great lifehack for becoming a doctor is going to medical school!"

The homework is due on Monday. "Can I get an extension?" The homework is due on Monday.png

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he's driving them crazy? Me as a principal: Maybe

*dad walks in on me doing homework* "HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK" Dad you're still in third grade "Probably because I'm not a nerd like you"

Just because your kid says, "You're my hero" does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

Me: *reclines* Nice Wife: I still can't believe you bought a used gynecological exam table Me: I can see the tv perfectly between my legs

My family puts the "C" in Awckward because the majority of them didn't graduate high school and are horrible spellers.