#school

I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind* Fly Breathe fire Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the "Life Goes On" episode where Corky lip syncs "Fight the Power" for his school's talent show.

10's homework question: "Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?" His answer: "My mom."

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor 'hey, where'd your watch go?'

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

me: *dies* mom: no get up you still have to go to school.

*calls son at college* Pop quiz, son "Ok" What's the opposite of a hot dog "Um...a cold cat?" Exactly. Now let's talk about Fluffy

High school kids, these awful years are going to end up being the best years of your life. That's how much everything else sucks.

"Laughter is the best medicine" -doctor who failed med school

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY "Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?" No that's socialism "19-20?" SOCIALISM

Auto correct changed "absence" to "absinthe" and now my kid's school won't let me be on the PTA.

Gave someone a ride to school instead of getting coffee this morning because Mother Teresa has had all the attention long enough.

quick poll: why'd you break up with me in high school Alison

I know how to get on a flight. Thank you boarding school.

dave is coming to play poker "dave from college or dave who walks like he's in a video game?" [dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

[High school reunion] Classmate: I've been out building schools in Africa Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin

LAWYER: where were you Oct 13th? ME: alibi school LAWYER: can u prove this? ME: wait, the 13th? LAWYER: ya ME: k no I was murdering that day

The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5'4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.

If you don't sleep now, you'll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you'll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

I was verbally abused as a child. The bigger verbs at school would kick my ass. "Stop conjugating yourself!" they'd say mockingly.

I just found out five people I went to high school with are dead. What's taking the rest of them so long?

JOB OPENING: Entry-level for recent college grads. Minimum 87 years of experience required.

"my dad works at Nintendo" "No he doesn't ur such a liar" *Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat* "Hey sport, good day at school?"

Professor: "Did you just show up drunk to my exam?" No way "Hungover then?" Nope "There's a lime wedge on your face"