#school

College is just a clever marketing ploy by Starbucks and Red Bull

piss me off and I'll put you on my kid's school fundraiser mailing lists

Failed my Politics exam. "Describe the role that India plays in the modern world". Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

In high school, people called me "Superman" due to my light eyes and physical build. Also because I wore my underwear on top of my pants.

Took a screenshot with my iPhone with the intention of texting a picture of my cracked screen.So the answer is no I didn't graduate college.

Teachers call it "Going to the bathroom". We call it "I'm bored, I'm gonna go wander around school."

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked "can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?" *making screwdrivers*

It would be easier on everyone if my kids' teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line "lettuce romaine friends" at a low cost of my student loans.

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

I bet there is already someone who's put their number of twitter followers on a college application.

"Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?" "Uhhh....why?" "I'm drawing a picture of you for school." "Cool! It's spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E."

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam] DOCTOR: So you're in the military? HER: Yes DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv? Me: Dad, that's Spongebob Squarepants Dad: Must've been in your sister's class

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

Stupid nanny state won't let me enroll my kids in bartending school.

I didn't go through four years of grad school for this! (I didn't go to grad school.)

*Walks into school* Simon says give me your Pokemon cards Ok now close your eyes *Walks out* Kids are so dumb I didn't even say Simon says

Hi, I'm a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

i went to middle school with a kid named jonathan math. poor dude was HORRIBLE at math. the expectations of his last name weighed too heavy

in high school i dated a girl that pronounced the L in Salmon. last i heard of her she was doing meth

My three-year-old daughter said to me, "You should go back to college to learn more about being nice."

"Opening a llama acting school called 'Save the Drama for your Llama." "No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?"

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul Me: *thinks back to the time I "experimented" in college* I'll take 27 bottles please