#school

I experimented A LOT in college. (I was a chemistry major.)

In his college years Jesus could turn oregano into weed

What do you want for dinner? 4: A bucket.. *Googles better school districts

All the doctors at this hospital must have gone to This-Piece-Of-Medical-Equipment-Is-Not-A-Toy University and majored in "boring".

My son is an embarrassment, I'm afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

"i before me, excepts after we.." - gollum in elementary school

Just want to point out the NRA's plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

Honestly sometimes I STILL think about how dope it is that I don't have any homework.

I was the Wikipedia of my school. People expected me to help with their homework, but completely ignored my constant requests for money.

I'm thinking about getting a dog from Asia. Instead of eating your homework, they actually do it for you.

Can anyone recommend a good website where people I knew in high school post pics of their meals?

"Do you need help with your math homework Billy?" "Yeah I sure do Dad!" "Well you're shit out of luck"

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me. Guard: Oh, we're not electrocuting you... *college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

*pushes math homework away in 1990* I'll never need this *getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014* I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

"As a student the most comforting words you'll ever hear are " I haven't started either"

Also, kids? Don't DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don't work like that. & we're not that dumb.

[SCIENCE FAIR] ME: It's a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts. PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids. OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

If there's one thing that Twitter has taught me its that all the weird kids in school eventually find each other.

[Interviewing to be a mortician] Do you have any experience handling dead bodies? -Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

How soon is it going to be before school spelling tests only requires getting the first three letters correct until google does the rest.

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

"Dad, what's the difference between love and lust?" - Well, ya know your teddy bear? "I love it" - While you're at school, the dog lusts it.

You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.

What's the recommended age to teach your child that Google has every answer to their homework?

Kids don't listen! I've told mine a hundred times to fall off the top of the slide during recess so we can sue the school.