#school

I'm gonna play on a Slip n' Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

Before we begin, does everyone know how to leave the cursor in the middle of every video? Good. - 1st day of teaching school

Daughter: Why don't kids at school get my sarcastic humor? Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

Hot chick at the bar just said that she's gonna do something stupid tonight... ...I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

"DIDN'T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!" ~A parent's memoir.

My daughter is at that awkward age where she doesn't want to wear the same dirty clothes to school all week long

My essay for graduate school reeks of bullshit and broken dreams disguised as lessons learned.

Walk into the club like whatup OWW Walk into the mace like what DAMN Walk into the sword like wha *dies* *flunks gladiator school*

(prostate exam) Dr: WOW! I've never seen this before Me: OMG! WHAT *loud click Me: DID YOU JUST TAKE A SELFIE Dr:.. And send Me: WTF?

in high school I was voted 'who is that? does she even go to our school? Never saw her before'

My high-school wrestling coach called me "the little raccoon" 'cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and carried Lyme disease.

twitter has a very "high school class where the teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes" vibe

There's no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you're blowing up a rubber glove.

GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge? ADAM: no...it was my girlfriend GOD: who? ADAM: u don't know her she goes to a different school

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn't drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good... good. You're all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

I hope there's a magazine for cool college bros called "Frattitude."

If you're feeling down about yourself, it won't help you to know that Honey Boo Boo makes more money than school teachers.

We go to college to get a good job to buy an expensive tv to watch truck drivers on the discovery channel.

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night. Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

[phone rings] "Mr Hughes?" "Yeah." "We need u to come pick yr son up from school." "Ugh. Whats he done now?" "Nothing. Its nearly midnight."

[driving 2 school] *looks back,sees toothbrushes in child carseats WAIT! IF YOU'RE HERE THEN... [cut to kids at home, covered in toothpaste]

Me: *enters exam room Doctor: Please take off your... M: *unbuttons pants D: ?? M: *pauses* D: GLASSES! D: I'M AN EYE DR DAMNIT!

I dropped out of law school when I found out that badgering the witness has nothing to do with throwing woodland creatures at defendants.

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new 'I walked to school in the snow without shoes'