#school

I'm not proud of this, but if the price is right, I'll buy your high school kid alcohol.

My ten year-old daughter is learning Chinese characters in school, so she can pick out a really good lower-back tattoo when she gets older

She sells sea shells by the sea shore because she graduated from an online university.

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor Airport security:...

Despite hating tomatoes, I was a tomato in a school play. I put my personal beliefs aside and nailed the role because I was a professional.

Me "I love you." My 3yo "Thanks." And just like that, 4 years of High School memories came flooding back.

"Sit" dog sits "Down" dog lays down on floor "Play Dead" dog graduates college, finds job, gets married and has kids

7: Its the last week of school so we don't have to go. Can I stay home? Me: Ha! Nice try, kid. Teacher: Its true. Me: Ha! NICE TRY, TEACHER.

Ladies call me the mitochondria because they kinda remember me from high school and i'm in a cell

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework Me: -holds up yellow Me: What color is this? 4: McDonalds The end

"Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly" *gestures to 237 IKEA boxes* "Let's begin! Who's got the Allen wrench?"

Thursday is like your high school boyfriend. It feels good but you know something better is right around the corner.

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven't heard back from North Korea yet.

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving "costume" party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

Bad news: I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school. Worse news: I'm a bus driver

They canceled school and reminded everyone to "Prepare for a blackout" I've got 2 bottles of Vodka and percocet Blackout is *so happening*

I don't appreciate my son's teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.

"Hey mom, I talked to my teacher after school and she says 'hump day' isn't a real holiday... She also asked what you do for a living."

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it's still the same principal that had to call your parents.

Noticed lots of older people reading the bible. It's like they are cramming for their final exam.

Dad : son ,when I was your age I used to walk 6kms to school Son: oh now I get it Dad: get what? Son: why you didn't make it to university

ME: I'm worthless. DAD: Remember, son: you owe eighty thousand dollars in student loans. You're less than worthless.

I don't remember 6th grade science being this hard. But then again, in 6th grade, I wasn't trying to do homework after 3 glasses of wine.

[college ad] High schoolers: You've sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?