I stuck a "Baby On Board" sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic's bad or I miss my nap.

"Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how Tree Trunk' is doing

Your make-up application says "I failed Clown College".