#school

My class teacher once said "Write and Practice." Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line, I don't understand.

My dirty language got me suspended in school but many years later I get rewarded with stars and retweets, never give up on your dreams kids.

WHAT'S WITH THE MIXED SIGNALS DUDE? YOU TURN THE LIGHTS OFF & MOVE IN CLOSE BUT WHEN I KISS YOU YOURE LIKE WHOA IM JUST DOING YOUR EYE EXAM?

Before college, I didn't know what I was doing with my life, but now I'm confident I have no idea what I'm doing.

[sees old friend after 4 years] "God, you were so fat back in school." "Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year." "No you didn't."

How school works: In class: 2+2=4 Homework: 2+4+2=8 Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun's mass.

If Britney Spears can get through 2007 you can get through school...

[principal's office] "Your child's previous school indicates you're a bit of a helicopter parent." Velociraptor: That's got to be a typo.

My daughter gets all bossy when we're playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she's at school I play with them the way I want.

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas" so I'm wearing hers because good moms listen

Bet they weed out lots of people at big city detective school in the jump off building/land on roof of another building class.

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

Kids: Your homework is being graded by someone who's buzzed.

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

Due to flooding, my kid's school is closed. Pffft. In my day, we swam to school--uphill--both ways.

Probably a lot of horses sitting on couches today talking about how they could have "gone Derby" if they hadn't gotten hurt in college.

Grad school is my excuse for everything. No text back? Grad school. Havent called in weeks? Grad school. I ate your last donut? Grad school!

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school* *teacher walks towards man* "are you expecting a child?" "no thats from all the beer"

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

My girlfriend from high school called today. She's stoked about getting her driver's license.

I feel that it's time to pick the kids up from school..so I'm going to lie down here for a while and wait for that feeling to pass

Everybody mad at me like it's common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn't go to funeral college.

I bet college professors never get tired of watching freshmen get fat. I know I wouldn't.