#school

Got an MRI. Nurse asked if I had bad kidneys. Told her I won "best kidneys" in my high school yearbook. She didnt laugh. We didnt talk again

*birds dress Cinderella for school* *gets to school, goes into bathroom* *buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

According to every 80s movie ever, the only way to get home from school is by standing up in the back of a Jeep Wrangler with 5 other people

[my kid, literally every school morning] "I hate mornings. I'm not getting up" [1st day of summer vacation] "dad, can we watch the sunrise"

I'm old school in the sense that I always put women and children first. I mean, there could be spiderwebs.

wife's facebook post: so proud of 8, he's trying so hard in school! mama loves you! wife's text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

My son ate all the marshmallows in the Lucky Charms and well guess who isn't paying for his college now.

shout out to old people for graduating high school without google

[School] Teacher: What's ur biggst fear? Child1: Ghosts! Child2: Dogs! Child3: That humanity's core reaction to misunderstanding is anger

People who try to test my patience don't realize it's an exam I don't plan on passing.

A bunch of kids from the varsity Minecraft team bullying an athletic loser who brought a football to school.. Visions of future war

*Sees son doing homework* What u doing? "Math, it's due Friday" *I slowly crumple the paper and put it in my mouth* They'll never believe u

9 just turned the toaster all the way up and basically made charcoal for breakfast, so I'm ordering new furniture with his college fund.

In middle school, I had a crush on a kid named BJ. When you write Heather loves BJ on your notebooks, you make a lot of friends.

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

"I think I have Ebola." "JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!"

Don't let people tell you that life after college is nothing but being poor and tired. It's 100% true, but it's more fun if it's a surprise.

Congrats to Lindsay Lohan for successfully portraying what happens to mean girls after high school.

This census and Tax stuff is crap. I want to live in a country that doesn't assign homework.

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I'm the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son's Little League games ever since he learned he's in his second year of college.

Kids are back to school & all I do is worry about their guinea pig. Is she lonely? Bored? Silly? I should probably hold her. I need a life.

My mom is having a hysterectomy. This is like the time I moved away to college and she tore down my childhood bedroom.

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework Dog Student: (still chewing) almost