#school

[vet school] ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because- [spins cat on finger like basketball] -I have no idea what I'm doing

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid's hand right up to their first drug deal.

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I'm pursuing you online and from my couch

Soon we'll all have to sign an apartment lease, sign up for electricity, and water, and cable, and school didn't teach any of this.

My husband asked me to act like a "naughty school girl" for him so I forged a note from my mother saying I don't have to participate.

Hey sports fans, here's my NCAA pick: bet it all on the Savannah College of Art & Design. Go Fighting Acrylics!

No I LITERALLY want to butter your hot cherry muffin. A euphe-what? Listen to Miss Community College over there.

Her: I want to have your babies. Me: You'll have to wait until they get off from school.

STUDENT: Will there be a final? PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods? BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

i throw my homework in the air sometimes, saying ayyyo, ill take a zerroo.

go to college so you can get a job to pay for college

Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some shit for Farmville.

Meant to tell my daughter "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Tuesday because this is bullshit"

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

These days its all about finding the woman you want to divorce after your kids go to college.

At this point journalism school probably boils down to, "Just say what everyone tweeted."

17 yo didn't do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

If you love something, set it free. If it returns, it probably can't pay its student loans.

Everything's gonna be ok ma'am, I've got a degree from an online college.

Last day of school for my kids. For the next ten weeks, I can stop pretending math is important.

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

Hey, college students: It gets debtor.

*logs on Facebook IT'S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY'S BIRTHDAY TODAY! *logs off WAIT COME BACK! YOU HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX'S ENGAGEMENT!

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.