#school

I can't believe this paper went to college, let alone thought it ruled

From school to work, I've spent the majority of my life staring out a window, waiting to leave.

[Jack Black's birthday] Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma. "How is Rock School going dear?" It's School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

My freshman year of college I farted in a tiny crowded dorm room & a girl's younger sister who was visiting & wasn't even drunk threw up.

I'm should probably update everyone who wrote "Have a great summer!" in my high school yearbook. It was okay.

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

Sometimes I take out my headphones, walk to class, graduate college, get married, file for divorce, and then finish untangling my headphones

The year is 2075. A student asks how World War 3 began. The teacher responds with "Well, James Franco and Seth Rogen made a movie..."

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you're rubbing me the wrong way.

I swear I change my mind about this election every time I open up facebook. My high school friends are political geniuses!

"Your resume says you spent 4 years in England. What were you doing?" *flashback to me trying to find the actual Hogwarts* "Grad school."

[son hands me a picture he painted a school] That's great. Let's just put that in the 'maybe has epilepsy' pile.

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. "6 fell down today". Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: "33 is drunk again".

College doesn't prepare you for holding in farts in the workplace.

I earned a masters degree and a doctorate; I have $413.21 in assets. Weird Al Yankovic is worth 11 million. Kids, don't stay in school.

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

When I'm mad at my kid, I don't put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

School portraits would be way cooler if they were all mid-spaghetti-bite candids.

Facebook is a good reminder that I went to school with idiots.

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can't help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

[magic school bus] KID: where are we going today MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo KID: but last week we went to SPACE MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

Not to brag, but I still fit into the low self-esteem I wore in high school.

College: Now that you're making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year Me: lol College: lol ikr?

If your key ring is full of keychains with clever sayings, plus a stick filled with glittery water, I know you had a baby in high school.

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker* MOM: what do u say KID: thanks mr dog DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog