#school

What I learned in college: 1. Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was "give them their own school."

Me: BARTENDER! Bring me another beer. Him: Mom, I'm doing my homework. Me: *claps* Star! Him: I hate Twitter. Me: *belch* blocked.

me *dead*: at least I don't have to pay student loans *Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

- How was school? 4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions - laughs - oh honey - nobody would name their kid Trenton

want a brand new identity when you go back to school? why not change your name to 'Bird Christmas' or 'Crisp Terdass'

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL! Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...

For what a college education costs these days, I think most kids would just prefer to buy a helicopter.

At my high school reunion while everyone was bragging I said,"I'm finally allowed in public without an armed chaperone."

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he's doing so well! wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

I ate my dog because it ate my homework. Just kidding, I ate it because I'm Asian.

(Me,after returning from exam) Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper? Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn't knew.

"Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?" "He didn't do his 1st grade homework."

if school taught me to say no to fast food instead of drugs i'd be high as shit but not really fat which sounds cool

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college] Me: Wow, you used to be hot Wife: *death glare* Me: ...but not as hot as you are now

Your college degree doesn't mean you're smart, it just means you're in debt.

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you'll get at the way people park in the real word.

My son on the morning of his prom: "Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night."

I'm glad I didn't go to primary school with Freud. I bet his "your mom" jokes made a few kids cry.

"Trent! Your only job was to prep the classroom for Diversity Day!" ME: *in full scuba gear* look, I think "diver city day" could be fun too

College graduates, did you know there are people that went to Princeton that can't find a job? And you just went to a normal shitty school.

My kids are going to be so disappointed when they figure out peer pressure is a myth and they have to actually pay for drugs in high school.

A Pixar movie about Marlin trying to put his son through fish college called Funding Nemo.