#school

[commercial for Facebook] *man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars* "Don't you wish there were a better way?"

I'm calling Facebook "Mom" now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins' birthdays.

- Dad, why don't we visit Greece to see pyramids? - Son, why don't we visit school to see your geography teacher?

Cop; Know why I pulled you over? Me; Because you got beat up in high school Cop;....... Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?

Me: Ready for school? 7yo: [in only underwear with pants tied around his neck like a scarf & a sock on each hand] Almost

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn't respond "Could this night get any worse?" unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

- Hello, princess. Can I call you princess? - No. - OK then, Mr. Smith, let's just get started with your prostate exam.

I respect older people because they made it through school without Google OR Wikipedia.

[buying college textbooks] That'll be 100 million dollars [returning college textbooks] We can give you half off on this pencil case

give a man a fish, and he'll just expect more free fish. teach a man to fish, and you can stick him with crippling fishing school debt

When I was in college I had all these philosophical questions. Now I just want to know how these kids got toothpaste under the toilet seat.

Life plan: 1. Befriend shady people. 2. Witness a murder. 3. Enter witness protection & get new name. 4. So long student loans!

If Miley doesn't get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

[high school reunion] "Hey aren't u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?" No that was Tyler.

I need your parent's phone number so I can call you & hang up when they answer. Cause if I'm gonna crush on you, I'm doing it old school.

I could've built a school in Africa with the amount of time I've spent uncapitalizing letters in texts to seem cool.

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.

Bought a few packs of Sonicare toothbrush heads @ Costco today & the kids can't go to college anymore but at least they'll have clean teeth.

I worry a $15 min wage will hurt the long-term viability of my small business where I sell expired milk to people I went to high school with

Jail is just college for people who work at fast food restaurants.

It's bad when you accidentally tell a 9 year-old child, "Stay in drugs, don't do school" in a serious tone.

12: I hate school. Me: Hey! Perk up! Years from now you'll look back on this as the best time of your life! 12: Now you're just being mean

"In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!" Yes, "university" commercial--that math checks out.

I wish work was like high school when I could just poop my pants to get sent home.

My son asked me if mayonnaise was a mammal. *cashes in college fund *installs a pool in backyard