#school

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid's school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they're not in the same room when they have to do homework.

The most realistic part of Harry Potter is how he goes to a school where he learns skills he can't use in the real world.

Remember those girls in college who neatly highlighted all of their text books in pink? They work at the cosmetic counter at Macy's now.

Helping my 5yo with his homework. Does anyone remember how to write the alphabet? Like with a pencil?

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

1st day of middle school & my son REALLY didn't want to get picked on but he's dressed like a dorkwad & I couldn't help myself.

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked "Where're we going?" Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

Texas principal: If that's a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it? Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow School Nurse: Here's an ice pack K2: *fever* SN: Ice pack K3: *diarrhea* SN: Ice pack K4: *decapitated* SN: Ice pack

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently 'hard' 'classic' and 'punk' AREN'T the 3 different types of rock. Who knew.

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be "a Muslim extremist." That's like a student signing his report card "Timmy's Dad."

"Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out."

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other. I went to law school for this.

Welcome to college! Here's a list of our majors. Here's a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY First day of the week: brad pitt Last day of the week: homeless druggie

DIET TIP: Always eat smart. Refuse any food that hasn't scored highly on the SATs and been admitted to an Ivy League school.

Went to my niece's elementary school field day last week. I won every single event. Every. Single. Event.

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

Accidentally bought a Venti at Starbucks and now I can't afford to go to college :(

Parents: don't give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don't know what you're talking about.

In high school, everyone called me the bus driver. Because I was the bus driver.

The man at the grocery store name is Bobby Chubsucker. He was either very popular or made fun of a lot in school.

Charlie Sheen's herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.