#jones

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day…

Trial in a small town. In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded "why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me." She continued "You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot wh…

A man goes to the doctor... ... and he says, "Doc, I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I can't stop shaking my hips and singing Tom Jones songs." To which the doctor replies, "Clearly sir, you have Tom Jones' Disease." The man asks, "Is this common?" The doctor answers, "It's not unusual."

Selling war insurance Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and th…

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Jones, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Jones had the longest private part he had ever seen. "I'm sorry Mr. Jones," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools …

Familiarity on the job. A manager in a large company noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all…

the cure for stealing There is a pastor in a small town who is displeased to discover that someone has stolen his bicycle. It is a small town so he does not own a car and uses his bike to get everywhere. But more upsetting is the fact that he knows everyone in town, since they are all members of his congregation, and he cannot figure out who would have stolen his prized possession. He is still stewing about this during the church elder meeting and not sure what to do when one of his deacons co…

Lawyers -- Be wary of Grandma . . . Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and …

honest old lady...... In a trial, a small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was grand motherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you …

Anti Sleep Treatment One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed …

Grandma in Court! In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded: "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven't the bra…

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then sai…

Southern Justice Starting a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't th…

The Smiths invite the Jones' over for dinner... After dinner, Mrs. Smith is cleaning dishes in the kitchen while Mr. Smith entertains their guests. He begins to tell them about a great restaurant that he recently went to with his wife, but can't remember the name of the establishment. Mr. Smith: "The food was amazing, great service, but I can't recall the name! Help me out... what's that red flower, it's really fragrant, and people give them out on Valentine's Day?" The Jones': "You mean a r…

In the Navy. The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?" "John," the new seaman replied. "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever. And you are …

It was early morning at the military base... ... and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper: "Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback" No answer. "Seeback!" No answer was heard again. "SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent. At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and con…

Reading it one time might be not enough. -"Hello, are you there?" -"Yes, who are you please?" -"I'm Watt" -"What's your name?" -"Watt's my name." -"Yes, what's your name?" -"My name is John Watt" -"John what?" -"Yes. Are you Jones?" -"No, I'm Knott" -"Will you tell me your name then?" -"Will Knot" -"Why not?" -"My name is Knott" -"Knot what?" -"Not Watt, Knott." -"What?"

Ariman Jones Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. After a couple months, his superior noticed that Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales - a feat that had gone unmatched or even neared in all the years the department had existed. Rather than just ask him how he did it, the superior decided he'd stand at the back of the room and listen to the pitch, wondering if it wa…

What if Indiana Jones were from the UK? “This belongs in the British Museum!”

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you…

Why did Indiana Jones tell his friend Sallah not to be his matchmaker anymore? Bad dates.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go in…

A drunk falls into a hole He sees a young man walking by, and he calls him over. "Oy! Laddie! Can you help me get out of here?" "Who are you?" "Pastor Jones, from the local Parrish, now help me out, boy!" "Why are you here?" "I fell in while taking my afternoon constitutional." "What are you doing?" "I'm standing here, needing your help, now can you go get me something to get out of here with?" "I don't know about that." "Come now, sonny. Surely you can help an old man get out of his …

What is Indiana Jones' least favorite band? Rolling Stones.

A lawyer, Jones, is questioning his witness, Smith, during a murder trial. Jones: Mr Smith, can you tell us what the deceased said before he died? Smith: Yes, I can. He said... Judge: Now hold on a minute. I'm not sure if it could be considered hearsay if I allowed Mr Smith to continue. ​ This led to a long argument between both lawyers and the judge regarding the admissibility of Smith's testimony. After a couple of hours of deliberation, the judge calls for a recess while he consul…