#jake

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

I'm pretty sure if Flo from Progressive and Jake from State Farm hooked up, the universe would explode.

Fact: 98% of Jeep owners are guys named Jake, who wear shorts in the winter, and work at Starbucks.

Just changed the names of all the girls in my contact list to: "Jake, from State Farm".

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall. Worked great! Also, If you've found my nephew Jake, lemme know

Jake and the Cat Man: One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from? Me: Jake, at State Farm.

[Gym] Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake! Me: "Jake?" *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*

The Three Daughters There once was a very successful farmer with 3 beautiful daughters daughters, all in high school. It was a Friday night, and they all had dates. The farmer, wanting to protect his girls, made sure to talk to the boys before letting his daughters out to go on the dates. The first boy came to the house and greeted the farmer. ""Hi! My name is Bill, I'm here to pick up Jill so we can go have a picknick on the hill."" The farmer got Jill and the couple left. A few minutes later, …

Teacher students joke . ""what do you want to become when you grow up?"" A teacher asked his young students. ""I Want to be a like Iron Man"" Thomas answered. ""OK, But Iron Man didn't just become like that without studying and working hard. I hope you become like him one day."" said the teacher smiling. ""What about you Alice?"" he continued, gesturing towards Alice. ""I want to become an Actress and become famous?"" said Alice. ""Well I hope you achieve that one day and we see you in a great m…

It's not that Jake couldn't juggle It's that he didn't have the balls to do it

In a neighbourhood there were two little brothers, Jim and Jake... Jim was 12, and Jake was 9, and they were two little devils. They ran around stealing stuff from the neighbours, and whenever something went missing on the neighbourhood, everyone knew it was their fault. One day, after they stole somethign yet again, their mother said: ""I'm done with you two!"", and decided to call the local priest for help. He suggested that she should send Jake to the church, and there he would turn into a mo…

I'm Black. So I can't be racist. But these suckers keep telling me that I am. ""Jake, you can't call yourself Black just because you went to jail once. That is racist""

Timmy... Timmy came home to his parents one day after school, and goes straight to his mother. ""Mommy, I've got a drinking problem."" he says. Upon hearing this, his mom starts arguing with his dad about how his alcoholism got to Timmy, and the two got in a huge fight. On the verge of tears, his mother ordered Timmy's father out of the house, telling him she never wishes to see him again. After she calmed down, she went over to Timmy and gently asked him: ""So honey, tell me about this drinking…

Snake Bite John and Jake was walking in the woods when John decided to take a leak in a bush. While Jake waited for John to finish his business he heard John screamed and ran to him. John: ""JAKE HELP!"" Jake: ""what happened?"" John: ""a snake bit my d***!"" Jake: ""hang on i will call for help"" Jake whips out his cellphone and called a doctor. Doctor: ""hello?"" Jake: ""i need help! My friend got bitten by a snake!"" Doctor: ""alright, first you need a rope and tie down the part of the body t…

My Grandson Is A Smart Egg... At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny's lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn't move; he just stared. ""Don't you want to sit on the bunny's lap?"" I asked ""No No!"" He's Shouted, "" there is a MAN in his Mouth""

I don't know which child you think I don't treat correctly... Jake, Thomas or the fat ugly one?

Jake comes home unexpectedly. Jake came home unexpectedly and found his wife in bed with another man. ""What the hell are you doing?"" shouted Jake. ""See?"" said his wife to the man beside her. ""Didn't I tell you he was stupid?""

""Mom, Dad, I Tried To Kill Myself."" ""Mom, dad, I tried to kill myself."" Jake says, ""I tried swallowing pills, slitting my wrists, and hanging myself but none of it worked. Look, I even wrote a suicide note."" He handed the note to his father who read it over and says, ""Son, I am devastated by this. This note is full of typos. Do you even pay attention in class?"" His mom grabs the note and cuts in, ""Now hun that's not important. What is important is that we build a strong family support s…

The Pig Head!! So one day lucy wakes up and her husband (jake) tells her that he wants a good lunch keep in mind this is 9 am in the morning.So lucy says yes of course jake (husband).After breakfast she goes to the market where she starts to prep for lunch.She grabs some soda some garlic,carrot,green peppers etc..After that she heads to the butcher and ask if he can give her the biggest pig head he had so he goes and gets the biggest one he could find.Lucy then says are you sure this is the bigg…

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, ""Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."" ""Oh, my,"" said the father. What have I done?"" He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do. Jake said, ""Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we…

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, ""Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."" ""Oh, my,"" said the father. What have I done?"" He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do. Jake said, ""Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we…

If you want to sleep with my daughter... One halloween night, Paul, Mark and Jake were on a road trip and stopped in an old farm to sleep in the barn. A witch appeared in the barn. She said to the guys ''If you don't want me to kill you, you will have to bring me some fruits from the woods.'' The guys were confused but agreed to go pick up the fruits. They each went their on way. Paul came back first with a blueberry. The witch said ''Take the blueberry and put it up your ass if you want to live…

""Have you heard about the new rule in boxing?"" ... James asked his friend Jake. Jake hadn't. - Basically, to reduce the number of blows under the belt that boxers deliver and receive, their outfits will feature a line just above the waist that they must aim for with every hit. - What? That's ridiculous! Is there something written on it? - Of course! __This is the punchline__.""

Jake wanted a brother Jake had been asking his father for a brother the whole morning. His dad got annoyed so he gave little Jake some seeds. ""Just put these by the window, it attracts the storks!"" A few months later the neigbors had a baby delivered. Little Jake went to the newfound father and said: ""Just so you know, that wasn't because of your seed, it was because of my dad's seed!""