#jake

The First Smartwatch (long) Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, ""Have you got the time?"" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. ""It's a quarter to six,"" he says. ""Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!"" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. ""Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out"" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 8…

A Little Man A man walks into a bar and says, ""Bartender, give me two shots."" Bartender says, ""You want them both now or one at a time?"" The guy says,"" Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here,"" and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks ""He can drink?"" ""Oh, sure. He can drink."" So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. ""That's amazing"" says the bartender. ""What else can he do, ca…

best frnds Jake and Saul are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection. One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turns to the Obits page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was…

Santa Paaji Ko Cinema Hall Ke Bahar Ek Bikhari Mila.. . . Bhikhari:"" Allah Ke Naam Par Kuch De Do.. 2 Din se Bhukha Hoon"" . . Santa 100 Ka Note Dikhate Hue Bola:"" Kya Tumhare Paas 50 Ka Note Hai ?? . . Bhikhari Khushi Se:"" Ji Haan"" . . . Santa:"" To Saale, Pehle Woh Jake Kharch Kar Na""

The little boy A little boy named Jake went to school. The teacher asked Jake, are you new? Jake said, I will be new if I was just born. The teacher asked, how old are you? Jake said, I am 6, I am not new, are you blind?

The dogfood diet (don't know the source, my dad sent me this he prob heard it on the radio) Yesterday I was at my local Publix buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think...I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I…

Jake has a pet giraffe... One day Jake is taking his giraffe for a walk, when he sees a 7/11 he stops to get a drink. He walks through the doors with his giraffe on his leash. Since the doors were only 2 meters high the giraffe hit his head. and collapsed on the floor. Jake didn't notice this so he keeps walking up to the counter and buys his drink. The shopkeeper whos name was Mary says ""Hey Jake"" and Jake says ""Yeah what?"" ""you cant leave that lyin' there"" Jake turns around to look at hi…

Spelling practice It is spelling lesson. The teacher asks the kids to spell different words. -Emma, can you spell 'dog'? -D O G -Correct! Jake, can you spell 'cat'? -C A T -Correct! Now, Ahmed, can you spell 'racial discrimination'?

The Jokers Club Jake and his buddy Dave are having a beer together one Friday night. Jake checks his watch and says he has to be going. Dave is puzzled and asks why. Jake explains he is a member of a joke telling club, and tonight is their monthly meeting. Dave is curious about this club, and after a few questions Jake invites him to come along. They take a cab across town and arrive at the meeting hall. Inside are dozens of tables with people drinking and eating, and generally having a good tim…

Thought of this at work today... I was really hungry There was a cannibal named Jake, And eating himself, he would partake. An hour in season, And finally he reasoned: He had made a giant *""Me Steak""*!

Yet another world cup joke Heard this from a telephone script today: Jake! Is it true that you have my girlfriend at place, in your bed right now at this moment!? Good! Finally I can watch the world cup in peace!

Old man Finklestein is dying. He was diagnosed with cancer a month ago, and had told no one but his dear wife, Sadie. It is a week before the doctors told him he would kick the bucket, and he had straightened out his will and finances, so he decided to tell his best friend, Mr. Ginsberg. When Mr. Ginsberg received the news, he was shocked. ""Jake,"" he says. ""You always seemed so healthy! Oy vey! Why do bad things happen to good people!"" ""I don't know, Moishe, but I have everything in order f…

My grandfather's favorite joke Two men are sitting at a bar one night, Danny and Jacob. Danny looks over to Jake and says ""My wife is gonna kill me; i'm drunk as a skunk"", Jake says ""Ah! you're fine have another beer!"" So Danny has another beer, and he ends up puking all over himself. Danny says ""Ah look at me, i gone thrown up all over myself, I'm drunk as a skunk, my wife is going to kill me!"" Jake reaches over and stuffs some money in his shirt pocket and says, ""Just tell her the guy n…

They say that 1 out of a group of 5 guys is gay.... I'm really hoping it's Jake, because he's *super cute*.

A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention. ""Has anyone seen Brown paper Jake?"", he asks. ""What's he look like?"", asks one shoddy looking cowboy. ""Well"", replies the Sheriff. ""He wears a brown paper hat, a brownpaper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."" ""So what's he wanted for?"", asks the same cowboy. ""Rustlin'..."", replies the Sheriff.

Fantastic Watch Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, ""Have you got the time?"" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. ""It's a quarter to six,"" he says. ""Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!"" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. ""Yeah, it's not bad. It's an invention of mine I've been working on. Check this out"" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every t…

eer booze and fun!' 'A man walks into a bar and says ""Bartender give me two shots."" Bartender says ""You want them both now or one at a time?"" The guy says"" Oh I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here"" and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks ""He can drink?"" ""Oh sure. He can drink."" So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough the little guy drinks it all up. ""That's amazing"" says the bartender. ""What else can he do …

After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi million dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better he prevailed. He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases. On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things. On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining roo…

Jake's final conversation Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to" his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Father's Day, at school, and all the students are supposed to make cards... ...by drawing a picture of their father at work. Teacher asks, "Logan, what does your father do?" "My dad's a cop. I'm gonna draw him catching a bad guy." Then the teacher asks, "Briei, what does your father do?" Briei says, "My dad's a writer. I'm going to draw him with his new book." Teacher gets to Jake. "And what does your father do, Jake?" Jake says, "My dad's dead." "Oh my," Teacher says, "What did your …

"The watch" My dad just reminded me of this old classic! Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in …

My Sadie Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night. One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by…

A Fancy Watch Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metrop…

Why did the chicken cross the road? To push Jake off a cliff.... he really hates Jake. as told by my 6 year old who hates a kid named Jake.

A Very Short Man A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, ca…