#ireland

Q: What county in Ireland hates ""South Park?"" A: Killkenny.

eer booze and fun!' 'A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says ""I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."" The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. ""Is your bet still good?"" asks the Irishman. The Texan…

eer booze and fun!' 'A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. 'Why of course' comes the reply. The first man then asks 'Where are you from?' 'I'm from Ireland' replies the second man. The first man responds by saying 'You don't say. I'm from Ireland too. Let's have another round to Ireland.' 'Of course' replies the second man. Curious the first man then asks 'Where in Ireland are you from?' 'Dublin' comes the reply. 'I can't believe it' says the …

A man was sitting on a blanket at the ocean beach. He had no arms & no legs. Three women, the first from England, the second from Wales and the third from Ireland, were walking past the poor man feeling sorry for him. The English woman said: "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a nice warm hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a gentle kiss and walked on. The Irish woman came to him and said: "Av…

One my Dad used to tell, not sure if it's well known. A local bum, for the laugh, wanders into a catholic church during mass one day, shouting "I'm Jesus Christ! I'm Jesus Christ!" The priest tells the altar boys to give him a fiver, get rid of him. The bum thinks 'this is fantastic, off to the church of Ireland next!' Once again, he staggers in, slurring "I'm Jesus Christ, I'm Jesus Christ! Son of god!" He gets another fiver from the reverend and off he goes. Tipping into the local synagogu…

Ryanair's Micheal O'Leary arrives in a hotel bar... Ryanair's Micheal O'Leary arrives in a hotel in Dublin, he goes to the bar and asks for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary." Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money. "Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ir…

So there's this Irish Pub.. in Ireland of all places. Anywho, its getting towards the end of the night and the bartender rings the bell calling, "Last drinks! Last drinks! And anyone who can come up with the best cheers gets their last drink for free!" After hearing this everyone in the pub runs up to the bar and starts shouting at the bartender their best cheers. The bartenders hears a few of them over the noise and dismisses them with a wave of the hand, "No, none of those will do!" When it…

An old Irishman walks into a bar. Upon seating the bartender walks down to the old fellow and asks him what he'd like to drink. "I'll have 3 Guinness, one for me and two for me sons back home in Ireland." The bartender considers his request and pours and sets 3 pints in front of the old guy. The old man slowly drinks all three Guinness and leaves. This goes on for several months. One day the Irishman orders two Guinness. The bartender has learned a little about the old man and his sons and feel…

Warm Milk In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips…

A Texan Is Walking Around Rural Ireland With A Very Aggressive & Dangerous Looking Pit Bull On A Leash. He passes a ramshackle farm with an old man standing outside of it leaning on the gatepost & smoking a pipe who is looking very curiously at the pit bull. Farmer:- "Bejaysus, what kind of dog is that??....NEVER seen one like it before!!" Texan:- "Well sir, this here is what you call a pit bull terrier one of...if not **the** most aggressive & feared fighting dog in the world, this fella's n…

A Texan man walks into a pub in Ireland. He clears his throat and announces to the people inside, "Right, I hear y'all's a bunch of heavy drinkers, so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give a cheque for one hundred American dollars to anyone who can drink ten pints of your Guinness back to back". No one speaks up. Gradually the conversations start back up and one man gets up, picks up his coat and walks out. 20 minutes later he stumbles back in the door, walks up to the Texan and says "Is y…

A little Irish humor Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair". Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko…

"That's no excuse not to write to your mother." Paddy and Maggy Dunn send their son, Neely, from Ireland to the United States to find a job and build a dream career. Off Neely sails on a freighter, earning his way across the Atlantic as a deckhand. Upon arriving in the U.S., Neely sends his mam and pap a letter, explaining the glorious sights and sounds he beheld. As Neely searches for a job, his letters dwindle in frequency and, before long, cease altogether. Paddy 'n Maggie are concerned, n…

An American visiting the U.K ....... has had a little too much to drink one particular night. He noticed two larger females sitting in the corner of the pub so he walks over to spark up a conversation and he says, hello ladies, I couldn’t help but notice your accents. ……Are you both from Ireland? They sneer at him and the one says it’s Wales! So the man says my apologies. ….Are you whales from Ireland?

A man was drinking in a British pub ...when he noticed two very large women with strong accents. "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?" he asked. "It's Wales, you idiot" one answered. "I'm sorry" the man replied. "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

There was this guy living in Ireland who wanted to have the operation to become Irish He had lived in Ireland for about 10 years and loved the place and its people so he went to the doctor and said he wanted to have the operation to become Irish. The doctor warned him saying “This is very dangerous, I have to remove half your brain”. The guy was very adamant and said he wanted to do it. Next week he goes for surgery. After 5 hours he wakes up. He can see the doctor standing over him looki…

2 Big Old Gals Were Sitting In A Bar A man heard them talking and noticed a foreign accent. He asked "are you ladies from Ireland?" "WALES!!" they both replied "Oh I'm so sorry!.... Are you two Whales from Ireland???"

A nun sits outside a pub in Ireland... A man walks up to the pub and is about to go into it when the nun starts shouting. "BEFORE YOU ENTER THIS DEN OF SIN, THINK OF YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR FATHER!" He said back to the nun. "They're dead, they're dead and in heaven" The nun went for a different tack and said. "Think then! Think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain!" "What? Whatever are ye talking about? Have you ever had a drink?" And the nun said no. "Well how the hell can you…

ANOTHER nun sat outside a bar in Ireland... Sipping from a bottle of whiskey, and quite inebriated, when the local Gard walks past. "Sister Mary", he asks "what in God's name are you doing?!" "Not to worry, sergeant. I'm trying to *hic* cure the Mother Superior's constipation." "And how is you being in this state going to help the Mother Superior with her constipation exactly?!" "Cos when she sees me like this", Sister Mary replied, "she'll be shittin a brick!"

10 pints A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. " The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good? ", asks the Irishman. The Texan say…

So it's Sunday in Ireland... The priest says that the day's theme for mass is the afterlife. Wanting to gauge the opinions of the congregation, he asks everyone who believes in ghosts to raise their hands. About half the congregation raises their hands. Next, he asks those with their hands raised if they've ever spoken with a ghost. About half of those lower their hands in response. The priest says he has one last question: "Of those who have their hands raised still, who among you has ev…

Irish sectarianism joke An American is visiting Ireland, and walking back to his hotel from the local pub. Suddenly he hears a voice behind him, demanding, "Are you a protestant or a catholic??". The American is well aware of the sectarian issues in Ireland and is understandably afraid to admit to either affiliation. In a flash of inspiration he responds, "neither, in Jewish!". And the voice comes back, "I must be the luckiest Palestinian in all of Ireland!"

So a tourist walks into an English pub... A tourist walks into an English pub. While he is waiting for his beer, he notices to rather big women next to him talk in a strange accent. He walks up to them and says: "Excuse me, I can't quite put my finger on your accent -- are you two ladies from Ireland?" They get outraged and snap back: "It's Wales, you idiot!" "Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

The Reverend John Flapps The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drun…

Three brothers tradition A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone. He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I'm just wondering why you order three beers at a time? I can bring you one at a time if you wish." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that …