#smith

Let us not forget what today is The day will smith saved us from Aliens

""Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"" ...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week,"" said the divorce court judge. ""That's very fair, your honor,"" the husband replied, ""and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."" EDIT: Format EDIT(2): I didn't make this joke, I got it from a thread and posted it here for more people to see. I'm having trouble finding it now, so if you know what thread it's from, I'll gladly edit in credit to the original poster.

Short comical narrative I wrote The detective's heels clicked on the cement steps as he approached the door. The deputy ducked under the police line behind him. He knocked and the door was slowly opened by the woman. The blue and red lights were reflected in her wet eyes. ""Mrs. Johnson?"" He asked. ""Yes. . . ?"" The woman replies. ""Detective White."" He held up his polished badge. ""Oh, come in."" She stepped aside. Several officers standing in the kitchen nodded to the detective as he entere…

Call from the doctor's office ""Mrs. Smith, this the your family doctor's office. When we sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Smith arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."" ""What do you mean?"" Mrs. Smith asks nervously. ""Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."" ""That's drea…

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, ""I've got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear."" The troops started cheering at the news. ""Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy...""

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . ""God, what does a million years mean to you?"" The Lord replies, ""A minute."" Smith asks, ""And what does a million dollars mean to you?"" The Lord replies, ""A penny."" Smith asks,"" Can I have a penny?"" The Lord replies, ""In a minute"".

The Smith family was very proud that their ancestors had come over on the Mayflower, so they hired best-selling author Frank McCourt to look up and write a book about their family history. Horror of horrors! They discovered that great uncle Fess had died in the electric chair for committing a murder. They were devastated. They didn't want that in the book, but they didn't want to leave him out either. McCourt said, ""Leave it to me."" When the book came out, the section about Uncle Fess read lik…

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. ""Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"" Yes, they help me sleep at night. "" ""Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep! …

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital) and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and as the groggy man regained consciousness he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy who was waiting by his bed. ""Mr. Smith you're going to be just fine"" said the nun gently patting his hand. ""We do need to know however how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"" ""No I'm not"" the man whispered hoarsely. ""Then can you pay in cash?"" per…

eer booze and fun!' 'John Smith lived in Staten Island New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner took a running leap and landed right on the deck of th…

A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment. He submitted the following report to his editor. ""Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."" The Editor scolded the new reporter ""This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropiate!"" The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report…

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day…

Some translated jokes A man is accused of killing his mother in law and he is in court. The judge asks why he killed her. The man says "I didn't kill her. She died because she ate a poisonous apple." "Then why are her eyes black?" asks the judge. "She said she won't eat it." *** Another man is accused of killing his friend by stabbing him 48 times. In court the judge asks why he killed his friend. The man says "I did not kill him Your Honor. I was peeling potatoes at home when my friend came …

Familiarity on the job. A manager in a large company noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all…

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates... ...and meets Saint Peter. She says, "I was supposed to look up my husband when I got here." Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?" She answers, "Smith." Saint Peter replies, "I've got hundreds of thousands of Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?" She responds, "His name is John Smith." Saint Peter says, "I got thousands of John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?" She answers, "He's got red hair." He replies, "I have hundreds of…

A man and a woman go scuba diving for their honeymoon..... ... and they are having the absolute time of their life. The fish, the coral- it's all just wonderful. But then, out of nowhere, they hear a great rumbling, look behind them, and see a cruise ship headed straight for them! They separate, one to each side of the massive ship. When the ship passes, the husband looks around, but the wife is nowhere to be seen. He looks, swimming for hours, almost exhausting his tank, but he can't find her…

Lawyer Joke The phone rings at Smith and Associates Law Firm. The receptionist answers, and the voice on the other end says"I'd like to speak to Mr. Smith the lawyer please." The receptionist asks in a somber tone,"Are you a client of Mr. Smith's?" "No," the caller says "but my ex wife was." the receptionist responds, "I'm deeply saddened to inform you that Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Thank you," the caller says and hangs up. Only minutes later, the receptionist picks up the phone to he…

Leaving a Light On An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape," says the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?" "Well," says Mr. Smith, "I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me." Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said. "I don’t think that’s anything to worry about," she s…

In the Navy. The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?" "John," the new seaman replied. "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever. And you are …

Johnny finally decides to marry Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a mom…

The circumcision surgeon... A surgeon retires from his long career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughout his career, he has saved hundreds of foreskins as mementos and now wishes to turn them into a souvenir. He takes his specimens to a leather-smith and asks him to make something out of them. A week later the surgeon returns and the leathersmith presents him with a wallet. "All those foreskins and you only made me a wallet?" exclaims the surgeon. The leather smith replies, "Yes, but…

The phone rings... ...and the lady of the house answers. "Hello." "May I speak with Mrs. Smith please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Smith, this is Doctor Kent at Metro Labs. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, we also received a biopsy from another Mr. Smith as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Smith asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for …

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old... but they just know they are in love. One day, they decide they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, 'my Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.' Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr Smith replies, 'Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?' Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies,…

Texas Sheriffs Deputy Exam A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriffs Dept. was being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit." "…

A cop pulls over a woman The officer comes to the window of the car and asks the woman "Mam, do you have any weapons in the car?" The woman replies "Well, I have a 12 gauge in the trunk, a smith and wesen in the glove compartment, a colt on my side, and a derenger strapped to my boot." The officer says "My god woman, what are you afraid of?" She says "Absolutely nothing."