#smith

Who does a bagel-maker call when he can’t get inside his bakery? A lox-smith

Mr. Smith goes to the Doctor complaining about a constant headache The Doctor runs some tests and tells the guy, “Take these pills for a month. These are very potent, so you take one of these one day and then skip a day and then take another one the next day and skip the next day and so on for a month. You can visit me after a month “ A few months go by and the doctor runs into the man’s wife in the market one day. “Mrs. Smith! How nice to see you here. How are you doing and how’s your husban…

Smith, my boss shouted, it's the 4th time you're late this week, what should I deduce? That it's Thursday.

A lawyer, Jones, is questioning his witness, Smith, during a murder trial. Jones: Mr Smith, can you tell us what the deceased said before he died? Smith: Yes, I can. He said... Judge: Now hold on a minute. I'm not sure if it could be considered hearsay if I allowed Mr Smith to continue. ​ This led to a long argument between both lawyers and the judge regarding the admissibility of Smith's testimony. After a couple of hours of deliberation, the judge calls for a recess while he consul…

The Captain called the Sergeant in... "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith's mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So, the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant, "Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh, by the way, Smith, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant int…

The Smith family is having a reunion. The matriarch is a 110 year old woman who is confined to a wheelchair and cannot speak, so she uses a pen and notepad to communicate. While watching her great grandchildren play, she begins to leeeaaan to the left. So cousin Joe lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her left side. Later she begins to leeeaaan to the right, so cousin John lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her right side. Later, Uncle Bob approaches and asks if she's enjoying the fami…

What’s Your Name, Sailor? What’s Your Name, Sailor? The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, “Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?” “John,” the new seaman replied. “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, …

What’s Your Name, Sailor? The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, \-“Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?” \- “John,” the new seaman replied. \- “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, …

Many surnames can tell you what a person is * Smith is a blacksmith

You know many surnames are taken from jobs. Taylor Smith

A policeman knocked at my door..... I answered and he said ""Mr. Smith? it's your wife

""Mr. Smith I have reviewed this case very carefully

Leaving a Light On An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. ""Mr. Smith

I went for an interview at a black smiths.. The black smith asked ""have you ever shoed a horse before?"

Lawyer Joke The phone rings at Smith and Associates Law Firm. The receptionist answers

Did you guys hear about the man with the wooden leg named Smith? I don't think he named is other leg...

Why did the female warrior prefer the armor smith over the weapon smith? The weapon smith was a bit rapier

What is a cannibal's favorite fruit? Granny Smith

What is a Jewish person's favorite job? A lox-smith

The teacher said to Smith after he answered correctly, “Smith, tell me an important incident which never happened before within ten years.” Smith said, “I answered correct today!”

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss" he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies, "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss" says Smith, “I knew I could count on you!”

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John" the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be refe…

Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who’s going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one. “Break it to her gently,” they all urge. “Leave it to me,” he says. When Smith’s wife comes to the door, Anderson says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.” “How much?” the wife yells, eyes blazing. “Tell him to drop dead!”

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffi…