#lesson

Blonde gets lost in a snowstorm... She didn't panic however because when she was younger her dad taught her to wait for a snow plow and then just follow the snow plow to safety. Sure enough a snow plow drives by and she follows behind it for 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow stops and gets out and asks her if she needed anything, she says no and tells the man the lesson her father had taught her, to follow a snow plow if she was ever lost. The snow plow driver nodded and said ""ok …

Sticking together A dying man was unhappy because of his quarreling sons, and he wanted to teach them one final lesson before he dies. He gathered them by his bedside and gave the elder a stick, and told him to break it, which he did. The old man gave him two sticks and told him to break them, and again, the son did it. The man grabbed a bundle of sticks and said: ""Will you break this bundle of sticks for me, son?"". The son paused for a minute, looked at the bundle and tried to break it.......…

Farewell Daddy A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story & listened to her prayers which ended by saying: ""God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma & good-bye Grandpa."" The father asked, ""Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"" The little girl said, ""I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."" The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed & listened to her pra…

Ooh Johnny President Obama was visiting a primary school, and visited the 1st grade classes. The class was in the middle of a lesson on words and thier meaning. Obama ask if any of the kids could give the meaning of the word ""tragedy"". One lil boy stood up and said "" If my best freind was playing in the road and got hit by a car and killed that would be a tragedy."" Obama replied, ""No, that would be an acident"" So a little girl stood up and said ""If a bus carrying 50 students ran off a cli…

Looking for jokes with ""Where do"" and ""When do"" I teach English in Japan, and my next lesson is ""Where/when do"". For instance, ""Where do you play tennis?"" I'm looking for some clean jokes that start with either of these phrases. So far, the only one I have is ""Where do cows go on the weekends?"" ""The mooooovies."" Any help is appreciated!

A valuable life lesson. So, be me. A cowardly 6/10. Move into a new neighborhood and have 1+1-2=0 friends. Mowing the lawn when a dog runs up to me. Girl comes after dog, easily a 9/10. Help her get her dog back, introduce myself. Become good friends. Begin dating. New girl moves in, around a 7/10. Introduce self to new girl. Become good friends, although she starts to act a little odd. Tell her about girl friend, can see she is literally insanely peanut butter and jealous. Fast forward two more…

The Birds and The Bees A teacher was giving her six-year-olds class their first lesson about the birds and the bees. ""When you grow up, you will get married and after about a year, a bird called a stork will fly in through the window and deliver a baby."" A hand goes up at the back of the class. ""Yes, Little Johnny?"" the teacher asks. ""Are you sure you're right about the stork Miss?"" ""Yes Little Johnny, why do you ask?"" ""Well, my sister's got a baby and SHE TELLS ME, she got hers from a …

There was a huge flood in a city and a priest was stuck on the roof of his house... The water level was high enough to drown the whole house. The priest was praying at this difficult hour. A while later, a man who is rowing a wooden door comes to the priest and offers him for help, 'come with me father. This door can hold both of us. You are not safe here.' The priest replies, 'You are very generous child. But I have my faith in the Lord. I am sure he has a plan for me.' The man leaves the Pries…

A guy shows up at work Monday Morning with two black eyes... ""What happened to you?"" asked his concerned co-workers. ""Well, I was in church, minding my own business and this beautiful women, in a slightly inappropriately tight dress sat in the pew in front of me. When everyone stood up, her dress got caught in between her cheeks. I figured she didn't want that there, so I reached up and pulled it out. She turned around a landed me with a left hook!"" Oh, no... everyone stood around in shock, …

There was an inflatable boy... There was an inflatable boy, and he goes to an inflatable school. While there, he finds himself having a really bad day. Bored with the lesson, he gets up and walks out of the inflatable classroom but, while walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster approaching him. The inflatable boy pulls out a pin and punctures the inflatable headmaster before running out of the inflatable school gates. Just as he gets past the gates, he thinks again, ""I hate…

Puke your guts out So there was this drunkard that went out every night and came home to throw up in the toilet waking up his wife. She would yell at him ""one of these days you're going to puke your guts out!"" She finally got tired of this and took the advice of the local pastor. He told her to go to the butcher and get a bucket of hog entrails, put it in the toilet before the husband got home. He said it would scare him into sobriety to see he actually did 'puked his guts out.' She thought ok…

So a young man comes to his first ever Karate lesson He steps through the doors of the dojo and sees three groups being taught moves by an instructor He is directed to the first line where one of the Sensei's is teaching them how to block a hit The man quickly learns the move and advances to the second group, proud of his achievement The second line is taught one by one to perform a simple throw, but the man struggles as he has always lacked upper body strength After many tries he finally succee…

""Have you heard about my math lesson?"" ""We're going to find out if 35 goes into 16"" -only funny when said by [this particular math teacher](http://defund.com/mom-catches-teacher-hiding-under-her-daughters-bed-teacher-gets-no-jail-time/?utm_source=Outbrain)

An Arab wandering through the Sahara finds an old bronze lamp. When he uncorks it, out comes a genie dressed in black, with side curls a yarmulke. ""Oy, someone has *finally* freed me from that prison! I will grant you *1 wish*."" ""You covetous Jew, you will give me *3* wishes!"" ""It is 1 or I give you nothing, you vile Arab!"" So the Arab thinks and says, ""I know what I *really* want, more than anything. And it is to be wantednay!*needed* by beautiful young women all the world over!"" And *p…

The Three Professors Three professors are arguing over who is the best at teaching. The first professor boasts, ""I teach so well, my students never ask any questions. This proves they understand me immediately!"" The second professor responds, ""Nonsense! I teach so well, my students never ask questions OR take notes. It's clear they remember the lesson instantly!"" The third professor grins and says, ""You're both amateurs. I teach so well, my students don't even have to show up to class!""

A black man and a Czechoslovakian man are walking in the woods... A black man and a Czechoslovakian man are walking in the woods when they are attacked by a bear. They take off running, and naturally the black man outruns the Czechoslovakian man. The bear tears the Czechoslovakian man apart and devours him. The black man frantically sprints all the way to the nearest ranger station for help. He and the ranger head back out with a rifle to the exact spot where the Czechoslovakian was eaten and fi…

X-Post from /r/Standup: If I ever got on stage I'd give my version of the Teletubbies... Here's my skit on the Teletubbies. So I hate the Teletubbies. It's one of the most mindless children's shows I've ever seen. I sometimes had to watch it because my ex's nephew loved the show and when we baby sat him that's all he wanted to watch. To me all it is, is a bunch of weird looking giant different colored babies dancing around on an acid trip, with dumb shapes on their heads. How is this informative…

After My Music Lesson, My Teacher Said I Should Be Tenor Tenor twelve feet away from her.

Dream Big A teacher asks her class, ""What do you want to be when you grow up?"" Little Johnny says ""I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day"". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to…

Lesson on writing things down. You will forget. A Missionary goes up the Tribal Chief and tells him its time for him to leave. The Tribal Chief tells him ""no one leaves."" The Missionary says there must be something I can do to leave and the Tribal Chief says there are 3 things you will need to do. Nobody has done this ever. First you must swim across the river, which is full of piranhas. Second there is a cave with a jaguar in it that was a bad tooth that you'll have to pull and thirdly there'…

Math in the real world Basic Math is the subject I teach at a small community college in western North Carolina. I call one part of the curriculum Practical Applications for Living in the Real World. The day after I presented a lesson on simple and compound interest, one of my older students approached me in the hallway. ""You really taught me a great deal about my life yesterday,"" he said. ""I realized I've been struggling with a lack of interest, compounded daily, for thirty years.""

My dad just told me this one, he is one of the funnier people I know One day, a little boy was walking to the store with his mother and saw a man with bowed legs. He exclaimed ""Mom! Look! That guy has bowed legs!"" His mom promptly slaps him and says ""Don't say that, it's rude."" A few days later the boy and his mom are out again. The boy sees another bow-legged man and yells to his mom, ""Mom! Look! That guy has really bowed legs!"" Again the mother slaps him and says ""That is rude, if you d…

Susan at Bible Shool Susan was a good little Christian girl, but one Saturday night, she stayed up way to late. So when Sunday rolled around and it came time for Sunday School, she finally forced herself to go. Upon her arrival she figured it wasn't all that important as it was the same lesson from 3 weeks ago. She dozed off, and when the teacher asked her, ""Who is the Son of God?"" The boy next to her poked her with a pencil. She immediately woke up and exclaimed, ""Jesus Christ!"". After this…

Tuba Lessons (warning, long build up) A father once desired for his layabout son to do something... anything... with his life in an effort to improve his condition. The child had no academic acumen, nor any athletic talent, so the father decided to get the child involved in the arts. ""Which musical insturment,"" he demanded one day, ""would you like to play most?"" ""The tuba."" replied the child. That very day the father put his child into tuba lessons. The tutor would work with the child ever…

Tie Salesman (x-post /r/ShaggyDogStories) A while back, I was working downtown as a handmade tie salesman trying to make a quick buck using a skill I'd learned. Though this was really just a side venture while I tried to find a real job, I was making a decent bit of coin. Additionally, people were recommending me as a source for their neck apparel. One day, this fellow comes up to me and asks whether I'd be willing to teach him the art of tie-making. I tell him I'd be glad to under the condition…