#lesson

Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed wire fence miss his music lesson? Because he'd already done the sharps and flats.

At a lesson in topography a soldier was asked: ""What is farther away Harrison the moon or that object on this map?"" ""That object naturally."" ""What makes you think that?"" "" 'Cause we can see the moon any clear night and we can't see that object even at day time.""

A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find along with several dozen lesson and music books. Rotated back home he rushed to their home and through the front door. ""Oh darling"" he gushed ""Come here. Let me look at you. Let me hold you! Let's have a fine dinner out then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so…

An Irish priest loved to fly fish it was an obsession of his. So far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved wadders on and his favourite flies out of their box Strangly though every Sunday the weather had been good but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work. The weather forcast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu. He asked him to take over his sermon. …

Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth? A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics how to ruin the people!

On the first day his son joined the family firm the founder took him on to the roof of the factory building and said 'I am going to give you your very first lesson in business. Stand on the edge of the roof.' Reluctantly the boy went to stand on the edge of the roof. 'Now' said his father 'when I say ""Jump"" I want you to jump off the roof.' 'But Dad' said the boy 'there's a huge drop!' 'Do you want to succeed in business?' 'Yes Dad.' 'And you trust me don't you?' 'Yes Dad.' 'So do as…

On Fred's 17th birthday his Dad said he'd take him out for his first driving lesson. As they got in the car the father said ""Just one thing Fred. If you're going to hit anything make sure it's cheap.""

A lady runs up to a golf pro giving a lesson ... ... and says "Help! I've just been stung by a bee!". The golf pro asks where. The lady says "Between the first and second holes." The pro says, "Well, I can tell you right now your stance is way too wide."

An International School Teacher ...starts a lesson with her 4 students, who are an American kid, an African kid, a European kid and a Chinese kid. She asks "what's your opinion on food scarcity in other countries?" first, the African kid asks "what's food?" the European kid asks "what's scarcity?" the American kid asks "what's other countries?" and finally the Chinese kid asks "what's my own opinion?"

A mother superior called 3 nuns and asked them to do a sin or something wrong... The nuns were hesitant because they didn't want to, but the superior said it would be a lesson in confession. Then a little later, one came back and was crying "Why? What did you do?" asked the mother superior "I picked flowers in the garden." "Ok your sins are forgiven, go drink the holy water." The nun did as told, then another nun came, she was also crying "Why? What did you do?" "I stole a candy from a k…

Golf Truisims * Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. * Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. * When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either use one more club or two more balls. * If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway th…

A teacher asks her kids in class.... "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importanc…

Pearly Gates A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, …

Little Billy One day, a teacher asks the kids in her class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Billy: "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari worth a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200-foot yacht, an Infinite Visa Card, and I want to make love to her three times a day." The teacher, shocked with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and co…

Lessons. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow in the back shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

A boy wants to play the bass... ... So his mother buys him a bass and takes the boy to his first lesson. An hour later he comes back, and his mother asks him what he learned. "This is a G, " says the boy, playing a G, "this is an F, this is a B," and continues to play random notes. The mother smiles politely and applauded his good work. The next week, she takes him to another lesson. This time, the boy doesn't come back for 4 hours. She goes to the place where he's having his lesson, and asks t…

A little old lady wants to buy a parrot. So she goes to the local pet store and asks the shopkeeper if he has any parrots. "Well I've just got this one right now but I have to warn you he used to belong to an old sailor and he's picked up some nasty words. Why don't you come back next week." He said. "No that's quite alright. I know just how to handle him." So she pays for the bird and brings him home and sure enough once he gets home he starts cussing up a storm so the old lady takes him a…

A medical Doctor is teaching, and everyone is around a corpse, ready for their first lesson. "Welcome, class. OK, since this is your first lesson, I have to tell you: The 2 most important things to be a good doctor are: *Dedication* and *Observation*." Doctor then proceeds to unveil the corpse, a big, fat woman who got shot in the head. "This is *Dedication*". The doctor proceeds to stick a finger up the fat lady's ass, then licks it. Everyone is disgusted. "I suggest you all do the same"…

A man decides he wants to learn to play bass. He signs up for lessons and the first day the instructor says to him "today we're learning E." and he just plays E over and over again. The next lesson the instructor says he'll be teaching him A and he plays A over and over again. The third lesson is D and he plays D over and over again. At the end of the lesson the instructor says "next lesson we'll learn G" but the guy replies "I can't make the next lesson, I have a gig."

My physics teacher told me I had potential. Then he threw me off the roof. A joke my mate told me after an after-hours lesson.

A Very Outdated But Still Funny Joke A high-school teacher asks a girl in the class, "What part of the body enlarges to ten times its normal size during periods of excitement?" The girl stammers and blushes and looks at the floor and says, "I don't want to answer that question." So the teacher asks a boy, "Do you know the answer?" The boys answers, "The pupil of the eye." "That's right," says the teacher. Then he turns to the girl and says, "Two things are obvious. First, you didn't study y…

Little Johnny Johnny's mom is in the kitchen and she decides to check on her son who is playing in the living room. Little Johnny is playing with his train set, he pulls the train into the station and says, "Whoever needs to get the hell off the train, and who ever needs to come on the train get the hell on." Little Johnny's mom is furious and pulls him by the arm and throws him in his room and says to him, "You will stay in here until you learn not to curse." 3 hours go by and little Johnny…

Farewell Daddy A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story & listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma & good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed & listened to her prayers which w…

A woman gets a golf lesson. A woman goes to her local golf course and gets a lesson from the course pro. After the lesson she decides to play a round to reinforce what she learned. But after only 20 minutes the golf pro sees her back at clubhouse. "What happened" asks the pro. She replies "I was stung by a bee while playing and didn't feel like continuing". "Oh no, where at" replies the golf pro. She says "between the first and second hole". "Oh, I see" says the pro, "your stance is too wide".

Jesus, Moses, and Muhammad are fishing on a boat As Jesus winds down the fishing lesson, he notes the time. He bids them farewell, and walks across the lake home. After a while, Moses decided he wasn't very good at fishing, so he parted the lake and went home. Being the last one left, Muhammed ██████████ █████ ████████████████ ██████████ ███████████████ ███████