#religion

[At supermarket] "Excuse me do you work here?" WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don't have a job

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare] SHAKESPEARE: What's this? ME: That's a meme SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

My favorite Bible story is when Jesus feeds the multitudes after administering a drug test to make sure they deserve food.

It's a fun and games til I get super drunk, flip the Monopoly board and tell everyone to get the hell out of my house.

She blindfolded me and said she was going to put heaven on my lips. I asked what kind of pizza it was. I woke up outside with a concussion

[God creating the ocean] GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere. ANGEL: Nice, that way if they're thirsty, they GOD: Make it undrinkable.

Waiting to see who you're sitting next to on an airplane is the original Chatroulette. Now where the hell is the next button?

I hope at my funeral someone has the foresight to bring a Ouija board so I can live tweet Hell.

Whenever I cut a zucchini I like to pretend that I'm the Hulk's rabbi.

Ostriches would be scary as hell if they could fly or if they had arms, but they can't and they don't, so here we are. Stupid land birds.

In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. "I wish he'd die," says Cupcake. They all nod.

Atheists don't seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone. God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

"Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?" "Actually I think it was when you hit me with your car-" "WE GOT AN ANGEL OVER HERE!"

There's a highway to hell. There's only a stairway to heaven. So a car ride downhill or an arduous climb up. Anyway, welcome to the baptism.

"Feel the burn" yells my fitness instructor as I think that's probably how Satan greets people in Hell.

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like "I'm back yall"

"How do you talk to an angel" Me: I don't know, Skype I guess? "How do you hold her close to where you are" Me: Aren't most angels men?

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing.. Wife: OMG [storms off] Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA [Priest faints]

[heaven's IT department] Ok, I see why your computer's crashing. Have you been closing doors again? God: Yes, why? Too many open windows

"Quit mowing your lawn you heathen and go to church!" -Me as I put in earplugs and go back to bed on a Sunday morning.

Turkey bacon is a lot like normal bacon except that IT'S NOT AND IT NEEDS TO GO BACK TO HELL, WHERE IT CAME FROM.

I spend more time on twitter than I do in church. I'd rather vent to imaginary friends on the Internet than to imaginary friends in the sky.

Thousands of religions and you're damned if you choose incorrectly? There must be people in Hell asking,"So! What religion are you in for?"

I'd settle for separation of church and snakes.