#religion

"Go to hell" is so abstract. "Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months." Now that's specific. That's possible. That's terrifying.

[Anteater eats some termites] [looks up to heaven] "YOU DON'T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!"

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she's had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she's talking about right now

Angel: God.. Were you drunk creating last night? God: no..... Angel: *holds up platypus God: a little..

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me "Where the hell are you?"

The 9 circles of hell: 9) limbo 8) lust 7) gluttony 6) greed 5) anger 4) heresy 3) violence 2) fraud 1) shopping on Black Friday

[phone] WIFE: Where the hell are u? ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted? W: OMG M: I'm in a bar not far from there

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight. Seriously? Yeah, drunk as hell, bro. Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

priest: "does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?" me: "SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS" priest: [slowly closes bible]

[A snowman sees a sign for a snowblower] Oh hell yeah

saw license plate GODLSNS and am not sure whether it's God Listens or Godlessness. doin devil horns anyway

*moves heaven & earth for her* *moves more left *more left *little right *little more right *moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

*el chapo dies* God: okay I'm gonna have to send you to hell Chapo: ok *3 weeks later* Angel: El Chapo has escaped from hell

Does everyone have that ONE follower who will Fav the hell outta every RT...but wouldn't even piss on your own tweets if they were on fire?

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

What If When You Die They Ask You "How Was Heaven?"

*dies* *gets to heaven* *sees furries everywhere* Me: What the... Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man *laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year ME: what the hell are you talking about

*wears shoulder pads for the angel and devil on my shoulders *pimps their ride

"Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?" No thanks I have a previous engagement "I'm cool with that, hell I've been married like 6 times"

welcome to hipster church. this is my body *bites vegan cookie* this is my blood *sips garage-brewed IPA*

Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt: "You like Nirvana? What's your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?" Kid: Nevermind "Yeah, me, too."

At my 16th birthday party, 1 guy came as a bunch of balloons, another as an untouched table of snacks & another came as an empty church hall