#religion

*arrives in hell* *Hey Ya starts playing* haha nice love this song *song ends* ... *Hey Ya starts playing* wait no

Kid wants to sit at table, isn't tall enough Me: WHERE ARE ALL THE PHONEBOOKS?! Him: U threw them out saying, who the hell uses phone books?

The bible says you can't buy your way into heaven but there isn't a church in the country that won't encourage you to try.

Devil worshipper leader: "Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon." Stan: "Hey there."

Look at your disgusting balls. That's LITERALLY exactly what Jesus wants them to look like. #Bible

The person who invented marriage was creepy as hell like hey yo I love you so much I'm gonna get the government involved so you can't leave

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It'd be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. "We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!"

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats. * pew pew *

Find a group doing river baptisms. Release LSD into the water upstream. Bring friends in devil costumes. Cavort and frolic on the riverbank.

homework? decent grades? the bible said adam and eve not adam and achieve

To hell with syncing the Titanic... I named my iPhone "ass" so I could back that ass up.

*At the pearly gates* St Peter: Welcome to heaven. I'll show you around. Me: Sooo many oysters must've died to make this gate.

I'm here to make a donation. Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use... *Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I'd like a receipt. For my taxes.

I'd like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, "omg you look like hell."

I'm no Exorcist, but i did scare the hell out of someone once.

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

I want to live the kind of life that when St. Peter looks over my list of sins he gives me a high-five before he sends me to hell.

Forget the Home Alone parents forgetting their kid. Why the hell do they own a bunch of mannequins?

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

Vaccines comes from doctors --> Doctors are part of Obamacare --> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

Noticed lots of older people reading the bible. It's like they are cramming for their final exam.

A vegan, a priest, & a rabbi walk into a bar. The vegan pretty much just blabs on & on about how he's a vegan for the next hour. The end.

Quit bragging yo. Jesus drove a Honda back in Bible days and said nothing of it. "For I speak not of my own accord" John 12:49 a.

angel: where'd all the zebras go? God: I put 'em in the desert angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow God: I know lol