#religion

[inventing trees] Angel: what purpose do they serve? God: cats climb em Angel: can they climb back down? God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

I just said, "who the hell is calling here at 9 o'clock at night?" and I died a little on the inside.

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you "..y..o..u..'r..e.."

My voicemail greeting is just me strangling a cat while reading bible passages.

"How do we spell this pasta?" L "Ok" A "Got it" S "Neat" A "Diggin it" G "What the hell" N "Wait" A "I have some questions"

10yo: When in doubt, albatrout. Me: What the hell is albatrout? That's not real. 10yo: Now you're in doubt! Me: But... 10yo: ALBATROUT

[God making water] "it helps plants" ANGEL: nice "cleans things" A: ok "u die if u don't drink it" A: "& drown if u drink it wrong" A: what

Sometimes I ponder over things like, -What is life? -Where am I going? & -What the hell is a "spokes" person for a bike company called?

Being dark skinned is a CHOICE. In just a few years, through prayer, celebrity Beyonce is almost completely white. You can change too.

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

Angel: "I think we can all agree that 6 is enough." God (clearly upset about something else): "NO. GIVE SPIDERS 8 LEGS."

God: I made something new. It's like a tornado, but smaller. Angel: What do you call it? God: A toddler.

My wife just told me to go to hell, anyone else need anything from Walmart?

Church is the worst book club ever. We've been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven't even read it

Atheists swear they not going to hell just cuz they don't believe in it. nigga I don't believe in having a job but I still go to work

It's okay when Daisy Duck walks around in high heels and with no pants on but when I do it people are all "this is a church, young lady."

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away anything, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a mexican drug lord.

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK HIS AGENT: gary that's a bad ideahow'd you feel about a ghost writer? GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

The Devil has his own Bible. He's releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.

Girl, did it hurt...when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought "damn magic is dope as hell." #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

*Buys new iPhone* *Crosses road tweeting about it* *Accident* *Dies* *Makes entry in heaven* - Sent via iPhone.

CLEVELAND: We want a championship. DEVIL: ok, but you'll have to host the Republicans. CLE: ...Fine. DEVIL: Trump's the guy. CLE: We want 2.